My name is Olga. I've been through this nightmare too.
The bullying lasted from grades 5 to 11, which is 6 years of my school life. It peaked in high school, things started to decline by high school, and by the end of school I even made friends. It was everything: verbal abuse, beatings, looted and damaged items. Loneliness, despair, constant fear, distrust of the world, self-esteem below the baseboard, lack of communication, feeling that my best years are wasted and I'm always missing something...
All in all, a bundle of problems for a hunted little wolf cub. I was afraid and hated my classmates, but at the same time, I was drawn to them and desperately tried, if not to be friends, then at least to please them. My class was my world—I never saw or knew any other downtime. I was despised and rejected in this world, and it was a tragedy.
By the way, one of the most important discoveries in my adult life is that school is just a school. School is not the whole world, and my classmates are just people who lived in the same neighborhood as me at some point in their lives. That's all, nothing else connects me to them in fact. These are random people, and it may well turn out that I have no common interests with them at all. Sometimes people are lucky, and they are so “random” (random — approx. Ed.) They find lifelong friends in a way. Or bad luck — then school friends are a thing of the past, and communication comes to naught. After all, adults choose their social circle of interest. Over the years, you realize that communicating with someone you don't coincide with in any way or in anything is a waste of time and effort. Moreover, on both sides. I think of my classmates and I can't even think of any points of intersection we could have. Let's say the stars would stand up differently and the class would accept me normally. What's next? What would connect us now, apart from shared school memories? I suspect it's okay. I live in a city where everyone has mutual friends and acquaintances; sometimes people know you before they even meet you in person, which is fun. Now I have a large social circle; I work in different fields and attend various city events and events. Why haven't I met any of my classmates in my adult life? I think we have different interests.
Now I'll tell you how it all started. I assume that I was originally a difficult child who was prone to bullying. I was small and puny, extremely shy and insecure, and my self-esteem was initially very low. I don't know why this happened. But I didn't respect myself, and I remember that feeling. In elementary school, I had only one but very close friend with whom we sat at the same desk and were “as thick as you can”. Then her family moved to another city, and I was left without a girlfriend.
And now it's fifth grade, we've all broken free, and “adult” school has begun. The authoritarian primary school teacher, who controlled everything and everyone very tightly, was replaced by a new class teacher. Her relationship with the class did not work out initially. She didn't like the fact that children were too dependent and were used to waiting for clear instructions on what to do and how to do it. Of course, she tried to establish relations with the class — she spent class hours and informal celebrations. But then she waved her hand — “do what you want”, and then she simply performed her formal teaching and class guidance duties. I think this was not a person who should have worked at school in particular and with children in general. She wasn't mean or intentionally cruel — it was just “not her” job.
And then they started to offend me; everything was natural. I was small, weak and alone. I didn't have any friends and kept to myself during recess. I really wanted to go to the group of girls and take part in a general conversation, but I didn't know how to do it and was very shy. Boys started first, then a few girls joined, the more playful ones. They started calling me names, and as accurately as only children can. What did I do? You have no idea, at first I... laughed with them. Self-esteem was low initially, and the guys were really funny. Then, of course, there was no laughing matter. They started knocking me down, taking my things away, and name-calling became more humiliating and sophisticated. I became afraid of changes, lessons like life safety, where the classroom was not strictly disciplined. At any moment, I could get a slap in the face, hit me on the head with a textbook, and they could take my thing away and ruin it.
Soon, the parents became aware of what was going on, and my mother went to school to swear. My mother is very bossy and authoritarian - she literally forced me to tell me everything as it was and give me all my last names. It was painful and embarrassing to talk about it, and I also understood that my mother would definitely go to school now and was rightly afraid that it might get even worse for me.
My mother had a conversation with a teacher and several instigators. I stood beside me and remained silent. It was scary and embarrassing that I didn't know what to do next. I told my mom that my mom came to school — well, where to go even lower... Well, after the conversation, I kind of felt better. At least they stopped hitting me. The homeroom teacher was also alarmed: she took our whole class to the cinema to see the movie “The Scarecrow”, and then arranged an unscheduled class hour, where she discussed this film and my situation in class in detail. After watching the movie, my name was no different — only Scarecrow. It was even more humiliating than just calling me by my last name or last name. But we must give it credit, they did not hit again.
I believed that adults could help me, so for the second time I asked my mom to talk to the homeroom teacher. The thing is, I was offended again and felt bad in class. After the second conversation with my mom, an indignant classmate called me to talk. She asked me harshly about what was going on this time, who hurt me, hit me and what was wrong at all. During the conversation, she came to the conclusion that there were no tragedies, and I was wasting her time. She chastised me for the fact that instead of going about her business and relaxing on weekends, she had to think about my situation all the time and spent a lot of energy and nerves...
As the years passed, everyone grew up, the instigators got older and lost interest in me. I got used to the role of a quiet gray mouse, tried to keep my head low, and skipped classes whenever possible. I learned how to warm the thermometer on a table lamp and pretend to have a cold. She learned to heal her emotional wounds and live in a fantasy world. I remember coming home, warming up my dinner, turning on the TV and sitting down to watch TV shows. Latin American TV shows were in vogue back then, and I watched them one by one. I ate dinner while watching TV, then doing my homework, washing dishes on commercials. There was another one of my favorite movies recorded on videotape by one of my parents. On particularly difficult days, I would review it and it became easier.
The night before going to bed, I dreamed that I would grow up and become a serial maniac. I'll find all my offenders, torture me for a long time, then kill me. By the way, when I come across information online about another scumbag who killed a lot of people, I still have conflicting feelings. No, I'm not making excuses for anyone; I sincerely feel sorry for the innocent people who died so terribly and unfairly at the hands of a moral freak. But I also feel some pity for a moral freak. Why did he become what should be done to a person to start killing and torturing?
I learned how to cut my hands with a blade, put out cigarettes against my wrist, and pierced my ears with a needle. The latter, in fact, was not so bad — they didn't let me pierce my ears, although I really wanted to. Now I had five or six holes on each side. I inserted broken safety pins into them and I really liked the result.
Things started to change in high school. The classroom was disbanded, someone left school after nine, and the students mixed up. I managed to make friends with a group of girls who used to be in a parallel class. I think I was pretty annoying, because I clutched on them like straws and imposed them... Nevertheless, they accepted me. This is how I made real school friends. I was very happy that I had someone to invite to my birthday party, that my parents stopped asking me the same question all the time: “Who are you friends with in class?” Now I finally knew what to say and could even introduce my friends! They're real, I'm not making anything up. It was a blessing.
At high school graduation, I drank all the alcohol I found on the tables and did not behave very adequately, to put it mildly. My parents and teachers were ashamed of my behavior, but I didn't care about anything or anyone. My term has come to an end, I'm free, school hell is a thing of the past. The next morning I woke up, packed my notebooks, diaries and textbooks into a big garbage bag and took everything to the trash.
I went to university full-time and got a job right away. I remember how strange it was at first when I asked one of my classmates a question and he said lo and behold! — answers me. I'm not used to this attitude, because for so many years my peers ignored me and didn't even give me a formal answer.
I also understood very clearly that I was weak and dependent. I don't know life at all, I'm lagging behind my peers in development, and I don't know how to communicate. And I started raising myself the best I could. I've filled up a lot of bumps, cracked a lot of wood and seen all sorts of things. But it was my path and whatever it was, it is dear to me. I had problems communicating with guys, and I remember that I was afraid to remain a virgin for the rest of my life. Now I'm a 30-year-old divorced woman and it makes me laugh to remember that. God, who would explain to me then how ridiculous my fears were.
I am now 30 years old and all this is a thing of the past. I have a lot of friends and buddies in various fields, so I haven't had any problems with communication for a long time. People are attracted to me themselves, which, of course, makes me very, very happy. I value my friends, they inspire me and say I'm theirs too. I'm not afraid to be alone in a group I don't know. There was a period when I was afraid of this, when I started deliberately provoking such situations. And you know, it helped - I'm not getting lost and I've learned to adapt well. Actually, one of the main conclusions I drew is that people should be listened to. Ask the right questions, be genuinely interested, understand. We are all alive, all with our weaknesses, fears, defenses...
I've had so many things in my life - ups and downs, joy and pain. I had a turbulent student youth, crazy first love, difficult relationships, simple relationships... I tried to live the way I was supposed to, relieved stress with alcohol, and looked for myself. She did a lot of sports because she was afraid of being weak in panic. She relieved stress with sports, set “terrible” goals for herself, and stepped over her fear. At school, I hated physical education, didn't run well, and people laughed at me about it too. Ok, I'm an adult and I can do whatever I want to do. Why don't I run a marathon? This is quite possible if you approach the training thoroughly and find a good coach...
Basically, I've been doing what I want to do and live for a long time without looking back at anyone. I've left the office, I work remotely, travel often, and every winter I go to live in a place where summer is warm and eternal. I earn money, I don't deny myself anything, and I've finally learned how to take care of myself.
My years of sports have not been in vain — I have a good figure and feel strong and confident. I've learned to trust the world and people, and people have come to trust me. I have a lot of hobbies and interests, and I feel in demand and needed.
Another unexpected side effect of a difficult school childhood: I have no nostalgia for the past and am not afraid of age. I am happy to be an independent adult and to live my life the way I want. I know that every year I will live more interesting and comfortable.
A year ago, I came to the conclusion that it would be a good idea to work with a psychologist. We all monitor our health, go to doctors on time, and undergo preventive examinations. We regularly go to hairdressers, beauticians, and do manicures. So why not treat your state of mind as well, it's just as important! Like any adult, by the time I age, a lot of things accumulate in my head. I decided that I could use some of my past injuries and problems to work with a specialist to finally let go. I started out with a relationship with my mom, now we've made it to school...
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to tell it all as it is, and I am sure that this is important to many people. It must have been a very long story. Even if you can't publish it, thank you for the important work you're doing. I wish you success with this project, I wish it to always be at the top of Yandex and Google;))
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