About abuse, destructive relationships and what to do about it

This summer I was invited as a consultant to a children's camp for a seminar on “Respect the choice of others”.

The goal: to provide children with practical knowledge on how to recognize violence/manipulation and how to act to avoid becoming a victim of it. This was an excellent opportunity to update and systematize the information already collected, some of which became the basis for this article.

And here we should start with what “abuse” /"abuse” /"violence” means.

Abuse is violence in a broad sense, and abuser — the person who is committing this violence, and it does not matter how: physically, psychologically or financially.
There are usually two forms of abuse in relationships: psychological and physical.

Psychological abuse in relationships — constant insults, humiliation, gaslighting (doubt about the adequacy of your perception of the surrounding reality), threats of physical harm, blackmail, ignoring, etc.
Physical abuse — beatings; damage to property; damage to health; inability to communicate with others, leave home without permission, etc.

And while everything is more or less clear with physical violence, everything is not so simple with emotional/psychological violence, as it is quite difficult to identify and even harder to prove. Unfortunately, our closest people often become abusers, our family — parents (we trust them unconditionally from the very beginning), husband, wife (we are in love, inspired and wear rose-colored glasses, we dream of starting a family with a person and only then, after a while, we see the real picture of the relationship).

Let's figure it out. How should it be? What should we feel and understand?

Here are the signs of a nonviolent relationship*:

• There is no physical violence and not even a faint hint of it.
• No emotional abuse
• You can safely tell when you're uncomfortable.
• Your partner or partner is interested in making you feel good.
• Communicating your feelings, needs, or decisions does not lead to manipulation.
• The conflict situation is proceeding quietly.
• When you think about your partner/partner, there's no fog in your head.

Nonviolent relationships often develop rather slowly.

• When you think of your partner/partner, you don't picture him or her as an unattainable ideal.
• The rules you've come up with for your relationship work mutually.
• There is no constant control in these relationships.
• A healthy relationship is a flexible relationship.
• You're not afraid of ending this relationship.
• There is no constant pain or emotional exhaustion in a relationship.
• You don't think about this relationship 24 hours a day.
• In this relationship, you are mostly self-occupied, meeting your needs and interests.

In short, a healthy and nonviolent relationship is one in which you (and your partner) feel good, comfortable, pleasant, and enjoy.

How do I know if something is WRONG in my relationship?

First, let's take a closer look at who an abuser is. This is not just someone who broke out a couple times. Abusers are often hypocritical. You have a great relationship in public. He/she is a loving partner. But only so far there are observers. And in private it can be a completely different person, which sometimes makes you afraid to be alone.

The abuser takes advantage of your addiction to it. You are ready to deprive yourself, to deprive yourself of anything, as long as your partner is happy. Violence may or may not be conscious. How do you say it?

Signs of psychological violence**:

• Constant criticism.
  You, your appearance, dress style, behavior, views, etc. Deficiencies are emphasized, and your emotions, hopes, plans and achievements are devalued.
• Blaming you for everything.
  In your problems, troubles and negative feelings: “It's all because of you”, “You're the one who let me down! You're provoking! It's your fault!”
• Ignoring your needs, wants and requests.
• Punishment for “disobedience,” resistance to control, or “bad” behavior.
• Control/Isolation.
  Restricting social contacts, cutting off the supportive environment — parents, friends. Often attributing this isolation to concern: “They're a bad influence on you.”
• Suspiciousness, jealousy and rudeness.
• Sudden mood swings are characteristic.
• 100% sure that you are right.
• If anyone should “work on themselves” and change themselves, it's definitely you.
• Guilt is provoked
• Borders are being violated
• Double, contradictory, manipulative messages.
  And you're not sure how to respond to them. No matter what you do, there will always be a negative reaction from him. The manipulator can turn everything you say inside out and deny the obvious.
• They give you hope from time to time.
  There is what is known as the cycle of violence. You live peacefully and quietly, but all this time the tyrant has been experiencing increased internal tension. Then an act of violence (or a major scandal involving accusations) occurs and détente sets in, and the tension is relieved. After that, the remorse phase: “Forgive me if you can, I've hurt you again!”
  Then the “honeymoon” stage is: they give you a lot of kindness, care and help. You think it's going to be like this forever. But at some point, the cycle starts again.

In general, if you are afraid, cry, make excuses for your partner, are afraid of getting angry, blame yourself for everything, putting other people's desires above your own, you are where it is unnecessary and dangerous to be.

Once again, “normal” relationships are comfortable, calm and, to some extent, predictable. There is no “powder keg” effect. Even during a quarrel, you respect and value each other. You strive to understand and not to offend a person. So treat each other with care!

It is also worth remembering that only one side is never to blame in a relationship. And if this happens to you all the time, and it's only you to blame, there's usually a reason for that. And it's worth working with her.

Notice how the victim of abuse changes during a relationship. After all, every process has consequences.

Changes to the victim of abuse:

• He/a often apologizes for his behavior, asks for permission to say or do something, although this has not been noted before.
• She is constantly stressed and cannot make a decision even in a trivial situation.
• He gives up activities that were interesting to him/her, but also important. I'm ready to give up my desires and plans if the partner is against it.
• Leaves his friends because her partner wants to.
• He doubts his intelligence, his ability to reason and make the right choice.
• He clearly does not change his appearance for the better “because the partner is jealous”.
• He/she gets pretty big bruises that can't be explained in any way except “hit, stumbled and fell”.
• He constantly fears that his partner will quit. He/a is jealous, “deals” with potential rivals and even keeps an eye on them.
• She wants to be perfect/perfect and constantly finds flaws that cause her to panic and despondency.

What to do if you do find yourself in a relationship with an abuser

• Remember, this is NOT your fault. This is very important!
• The more time you spend with the abuser, the harder it will be for you to get out.
• Call a spade a spade — what exactly is going on.
• Believe your eyes and feelings about your partner's behavior towards you.
• Humiliation and respect are antonyms. DO NOT help your partner improve self-esteem. If you see early signals, react right away. Either set boundaries or say goodbye.

Set boundaries => set a condition => you can break up for a while => and sometimes you should decide to break up completely

It is important to talk/remember about RIGHTS in relationships:

• The right to free time at a time when it is convenient for you to have that free time. You have the right not to change plans if they are important to you.
• The right to connect with people you like and are interested in. You have the right to decide this for yourself, based on your feelings.
• The right to a private life that belongs only to you.
• Remember that blackmail, guilt, manipulation, threats, insults, and control are not signs of “great and pure love”.
• The right not to tolerate jokes if you don't like them, especially to tolerate them, take them for granted, or laugh at them.
• People feel equal in relationships; no one should feel bad or humiliated in them.
• Sex is not an obligation and should not happen because of threats and blackmail.

If someone close to you gets into such a relationship:

• Don't attack the ideal - don't give ultimatums (“you must leave him/her immediately”).
• Don't threaten to “deal with him/her”, complain about him/her, “tell them where to go”.
• Do not use information received from third parties when discussing the situation with her/him.
• Don't humiliate, insult, manipulate guilt, don't ask to choose between him/her and you.
• Don't have a fight with the two of them at the same time.

Remember, it's hard for a person to make up their minds, to see the light and start doing something. This takes time.

There are actually not so many real narcissists, psychopaths and sadists. Usually people just don't know how to build normal relationships. Traumas and unresolved conflicts have an impact, resulting in control, fear of intimacy, and unwillingness to compromise and hear a partner. Each such person hides a personality who does not know how to cope with the tasks of life.

And it is possible to negotiate with these people. However, this is no reason to endure and suffer. There is no reason to stigmatize a person and fully blame him for all his troubles. This is no reason not to do anything.

This is a reason to think about the following questions:

• What's going on?
• Where is it going?
• Is there anything I can do about it?
• Wouldn't it be safer to break up?
• Will I be and ready to invest more in relationships?
• Do I need help?

And make a decision:

What should I do? - Stay/Go away for a while /Leave for good /Run away...

Because abusive relationships themselves can be the result of a person's beliefs and values (which they are not ready to give up), gender stereotypes, cultural attitudes and worldview. And all this, if it does change, is not so fast. Some things don't change at all. You can't turn a psychopath into a neurotic. Nevertheless, it should be understood that the abuser himself will not stop voluntarily. Behaviors that are harmful to you must stop!

So how do we proceed?

Step number 1. If you notice manipulation in a relationship or feel bad as a result of the actions of the second person, say directly and clearly as soon as possible that this behavior is unacceptable for you, and that you will have to end the relationship if this continues.

It's harder if it's ignored and kept going. Or it's getting worse. It's also worth remembering that if violence ever happens in a relationship, isn't discussed or disclosed, it's going to continue and grow. This is where the next step follows.

Step number 2. End the relationship for a while.

Step 3. Ask for help. This is normal.

If you still decide to interrupt, assess the situation. Sometimes it's worth doing it quickly. And very fast! Sometimes it's worth getting ready. Save money, collect documents/passport/figure out how I will take care of my children and where I will live. After all, finding yourself in the middle of a destructive relationship is often finding yourself in the middle of financial dependence on a second person, sometimes with no friends to turn to for help and often with additional responsibility for others (for example, children). Ask yourself the following questions: Who has the resources (housing, money) in their hands? Are you ready to take responsibility for yourself? Do you want to develop?

To get out of a difficult relationship, you need to work ON YOURSELF. It's worth remembering that building respectful relationships starts with respecting yourself. This is a basic condition for psychological health. We should invest in relationships and talk about our feelings. Talk out loud. And talk to yourself. My feelings. AND RESPECT YOURSELF. Without self-respect, you can't get respect from outside.

All this is not easy at times. It's hard to end a relationship you're addicted to. It's hard to start changing your life on your own and pulling yourself together. But most importantly, REMEMBER: you're not alone! You have the right to request and receive help! UVVAS has a choice — accept or stop abusing yourself!

Below are some interesting articles on the topic

• Novice Manipulator's Dictionary
  For those who want to learn how to make people feel bad without having to say it to their faces, a short dictionary of phrases in Abuser with commentary.
  
• Signs of a toxic relationship
• Manipulators: Psychoads in reality. Manipulators: There is even a scientific term about interacting with people called manipulators, emotional-energetic vampires, psychopaths — perverse narcissists.
• Learned helplessness: Politicians, teachers and domestic tyrants take advantage of this. But it is possible to get out of this situation unbroken. Sometimes it even helps to just brush your teeth or fight.
• 20 distractions that narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths use to manipulate
• About narcissists in relationships
  
• Dolph Lundgren: About domestic violence, healing and forgiveness E-TED
  
• Exit from the Karpman triangle “Victim-Rescuer-Aggressor”.
  
• Abuse is all around: why are we increasingly afraid to enter into a relationship? A detailed analysis of the problems of modern society/relations/abuse/, etc.

* Themiskyra source
** Source: psychologist Irina Chesnova