So here's what we can do about it. Of course, the situations are very diverse; these are general principles and steps.
None “My son (Petya Smirnov) doesn't get along well with his classmates.” When a child is deliberately brought to tears, teased in a coordinated and systematic manner, taken away, hidden, and ruined, pushed, pinched, beaten, named, or emphatically ignored, this is called BULLYING. Violence. Until you say it by your name, everyone will pretend nothing special is happening.
Next, we need to understand who is ready to take responsibility for ending this case. The sign that you're ready is the willingness to call bullying bullying. It is ideal if it is a teacher right away. If he keeps singing a song about “Well, he's like that”, he'll have to go higher. We've got to find someone to say what's happening by his own name. And start working with it. If this is a manager, let him give the order and monitor the implementation, or do it himself if his subordinates are unable. Contacting external authorities is the last option, but if there is no other way out, there is no need to delay. In our case, changes were made only from the director's level. The principal also tried to play the game “why didn't you work with your child”, but after the question “So you sign that your pedagogical team can't cope with bullying a child in class?” I quickly changed my conversation style and we agreed on everything nicely.
Then, the adult who took on the public will call him a teacher for the sake of simplicity, although this may be a school psychologist, camp counselor, coach, head teacher, etc. Should talk to the group in which the bullying takes place and NAME the phenomenon to the group.
Many comments from former “etchers” show how children do not realize what exactly they are doing. They call it “we're teasing him” or “we're playing that way” or “we don't love him” in their heads. They should learn from an adult that when they do this and that, it's called like that, and it's unacceptable.
Sometimes it is necessary to describe the situation from the victim's point of view. Strangely enough, I needed to do this for teachers. Otherwise, we couldn't get them out of “think kids are always teasing each other”. I asked them to imagine: “Here you come to work. No one says hello, everyone turns away. You're walking down the hall, laughs and whispers behind you. You come to the pedagogical council and sit down. Immediately, everyone sitting next to each other gets up and demonstratively sits back. You start the test and find that someone has erased the task previously recorded on the blackboard. You want to look into your diary — it's not there. Later, you find him in the corner of the toilet, with footprints on the pages. One day you break down and scream, you are immediately summoned to the director and reprimanded for your unacceptable behavior. You try to complain and you hear the answer: you have to be able to get along with colleagues!” How do you feel? How long can you survive?”
Important: don't put pressure on pity. By no means “can you imagine how bad he is, how unhappy he is?”. Only: What would YOU do in such a situation? How would YOU feel? And if lively feelings come in response, don't gloat or attack. Only sympathy: yes, it's hard for anyone. We're human and it's important for us to be together.
Sometimes the first point is enough if it's just started.
People can be very different, they may like each other more or less, but that's no reason to poison and nibble on each other like spiders in a jar. People are people, reasonable people, that they can learn to be together and work together without having to. Even if they are very, very different and someone thinks someone is completely wrong. We can cite applications that we may think are wrong about other people: appearance, nationality, reactions, hobbies, etc. Give examples of how the same quality was assessed differently at different times and in different groups. There is also a cool role-playing game about brown-eyed and blue-eyed people, but it should be done by professionals. And it cleans brains well.
Of course, all this will work out only if the adult himself believes so sincerely. This should be a sermon, not a notation.
When people are attacked with moral charges, they start defending themselves. At this point, they are not interested in whether they are right or wrong, the main thing is to make excuses. Kids are no exception. Especially children who are the instigators of bullying, because very often they are children with narcissistic trauma who are completely unable to bear shame and guilt. And they're going to fight like gladiators for their “super-duper alf” role. That is, in response to calling bullying violence, you will hear: “What is it? And we're nothing.. It's not me.” and stuff like that. It is clear that a discussion like this will not be of any use. So don't lead it. There is no need to argue about facts, find out what exactly “he” is, who exactly what, etc. Bullying should be labeled a GROUP disease. That is to say: there are diseases that do not affect people, but groups, classes, companies. Now, if a person does not wash his hands, he can catch an infection and get sick. And if the group doesn't keep the relationship clean, it can also get sick — with violence. This is very sad, it is bad and bad for everyone. And let's get urgent treatment together so that we can have a healthy, friendly class. This will allow the instigators to save face and even give them the opportunity to at least try on the role of a non-destructive “alpha” that is “responsible for the health of the class”. And, most importantly, it removes the contrast between rapist victims and witnesses. All in the same boat, a common problem, let's solve it together.
With older children, you can watch and discuss Lord of the Flies or (better) The Scarecrow. With the little ones — The Ugly Duckling.
The result will not be durable if children simply bend to the teacher's formal requirements. The task is to get them out of “flock” excitement into a conscious position, to include a moral assessment of what is happening. You can ask children to rate what they contribute to the class illness called bullying. Let's say 1 point is “I never take part in this”, 2 points — “I sometimes do it, but then I regret it”, 3 points — “I bullied, I bully and will continue to bully, it's great”. Let everyone point at the same time — how many points would they give themselves? If they're not teenagers, even the most dirty aggressors won't have triples. You should never try to convict you in this place: no, you are actually poisoning. On the contrary, I should say: “How glad I am, my heart has sank. None of you think it's good or right to poison. Even those who did it later regretted it. This is great, so it won't be difficult for us to heal our class.” Thus, the moral assessment of bullying is not external, imposed on adults; it is provided by the children themselves.
If the group is very caught up in the pleasure of violence, the confrontation may be tougher. I described the “Ugly Duckling” reception in a book, and I will tell you briefly here. Reminding the children of the passage that describes bullying, we can say something like this: “When we read this fairy tale, we usually think about the main character, the duckling. We feel sorry for him, we care about him. But right now I want us to think about these chickens and ducks. The duckling will be fine later; he will fly away with the swans. And them? They will remain dumb and angry, unable to sympathize or fly. When a similar situation occurs in the classroom, everyone has to decide who they are in this story. Any of you who want to be dumb, spiteful chickens? What is your choice?”
This same technique can help parents realize that if they are not bullying their child, but on the contrary, this is also very serious. Their children play the role of dumb and vicious chickens, and such roles dry up so much that they begin to change their identity. Is this what they want for their kids?
This is also suitable for an individual conversation with a child who does not understand what is wrong with bullying.
5. Formulate positive rules for group life and sign a contract
So far, it's been a question of what not to do. It would be a mistake to stop there, because by forbidding children the old ways of reacting and behaving and not letting others, we provoke stress, confusion and a return to the old ways.
The moment when the old “bad” group dynamic is interrupted and its destructive spiral is stopped is the most suitable moment to launch a new dynamic. And this is important to do together.
It is quite easy to formulate the rules of life in a group together with the children. For example: “Nobody in our country is trying to sort things out with their fists. We don't insult each other. They don't watch quietly here; if two people fight, they are separated.” If the children are older, you can understand more difficult situations, for example, the fact that people are sensitive differently, and the fact that for one person it is a friendly struggle may be painful for another. This may be reflected in such a rule, for example. “If I see that I've unwittingly hurt and hurt a person, I'll stop doing what I'm doing immediately.” But you don't need too much, too subtle and complicated, at least to start with.
The rules are written out on a large sheet and everyone votes for them. It is even better for everyone to sign that they are obliged to comply with them. This technique is called “contracting”; it works well in therapy and training groups for adults, and is also quite effective with children. If someone breaks the rules, they can simply silently point to a poster with his own signature.
This is very important. In our case, this was the main mistake: I talked to the director, who took someone in hand, it seemed to get better and we didn't try to squeeze it out, hoping that everything would gradually improve. And it was quiet, but it smoldered like a peat bog.
It is very important that an adult who undertakes to resolve the situation does not leave the group. He should regularly ask how you are doing, what is possible, what is difficult, and how to help. You can make a “bullying counter”, a vessel or board where anyone who got it or saw something that looked violent can place a pebble or stick a button in today. The number of stones determines whether today was a good day, whether this week was better than last week, etc. Yes, there are a lot of tricks, coaches and game technicians know them. You can stage plays, write fairy tales and make collages about the “chronicle of recovery”, make a “temperature chart! etc.
The point is that the band constantly receives interested interest from an authoritative adult and still considers defeating bullying its common cause.
Now it's time to think about popularity. It's about everyone being recognized for something different, able to present themselves to the group, be useful and valuable to them. Holidays, competitions, talent shows, trips, expeditions, team building games — the arsenal is rich, I don't want to go out. The longer the group has to live with this lineup, the more important this stage is.
A sign of a harmonious group hierarchy is the absence of rigidly fixed roles of “alf”, “bet” and “omega”, and the flexible flow of roles: in this situation, the one in either situation becomes the leader. One draws the best, the other cheers, the third scores goals, the fourth comes up with games. The more varied and meaningful the activity, the healthier the group is.
Well, this is already part of the “very good” series. Even if it doesn't work that way, peaceful and peaceful coexistence is enough, and children can realize themselves elsewhere.
Something like this. There is no America here, and it's not clear why teachers don't teach something like this. Of course, there are many complicated situations, for example, the victim's aggressive behavior, or persistent victimization, or parental support for bullying. But we need to delve into this and think about what to do in this case. And I roughly described the overall strategy.
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