The story of Seryozha city. Tips for teenagers

In the animal world, herbivores sometimes attack, chase and poison a predator (a phenomenon described by ethologist Conrad Lorenz in Aggression), and this phenomenon is called mobbing. In the human world, almost everyone can be attacked by a “mob”. Children and teenagers are the most vulnerable to mobbing. You often don't understand what your classmates are bullying you for and try to prove to them that you are “not” what they think you are, and then you start to blame yourself for everything, gradually getting used to insults and violence. Fear and guilt destroy your identity and corner you if you don't understand what you're up against in your new class or in your old class, on a sports team or at summer camp. But you can prevent bullying or reverse the conflict situation if you have an idea of the signs of mobbing and learn how to resist it.

This article is written for you guys based on a true story my student shared with me. This is a very typical “scenario” of school bullying (mobbing), as I have heard similar stories from children and parents more than once. And the mistakes the boy made are also very typical. And I don't want you to repeat his mistakes, so I'm telling you this story and suggesting options for dealing with school bullying.

A familiar situation

The family moved to a new district of the city, and Sergey had to change school. The teenager entered the new class and immediately became the object of special attention from his classmates. At first, they just looked closely at him, “sniffed” him, and then started testing him for resilience: laughing behind his back, joking about him, publicly bullying him and insulting him. Classmates were annoyed by absolutely everything about Sergey:

• they didn't like the way he dresses;
• they were irritated by his earring and his bangs that were too long;
  
• they didn't like the music he was listening to;
• they didn't like the picture on his backpack;
• they didn't like the fact that he raised his hand in class and his teachers praised him.

The guys thought he was “roosting” and “showing off”, but in fact, Sergey was just himself - the way he had always been. And he wasn't going to change. The stumbling and verbal bickering was followed by actions: Sergey's classmates hid Sergey's notebooks, tore the test paper, threw his backpack out the window, tripped him, and when he fell, he broke an eyebrow.

The teenager thought that everything would be fine and began to endure attacks from his classmates, although he snapped from time to time. He became withdrawn and taciturn. When he came home from school, he locked himself in his room more and more often and did not leave for a long time. To all his parents' questions about his “new friends”, the boy answered in one word: “It's all right.” But in fact, the situation was getting worse: his worries and inner fear hampered his will, prevented him from answering calmly and freely in class, taking a walk during recess, or entering his wardrobe or the sports locker room without looking back. Sergey began to realize that he no longer wanted to go to school and started skipping classes: he hung out on the streets and sat in the park on a fine day. One day he met classmates skipping class. The boys started insulting him and he answered them back. Word for word... A fight broke out, but the police arrived in time. When the school investigated this incident, the boys said that Sergey “always starts everything himself”. Classmates confirmed that Sergey often rushes at them “out of the blue”. The teacher, who knew how the class treated a newcomer, did not side with Sergey, and when asked by the principal about the boy's behavior in class, she replied: “He can be strange... You don't know what to expect from him.” The principal called Seryozha's parents to school and told them about her son's behavior. At home, parents “added”: “If they come to you, it means that you are provoking them yourself. It's all your own fault! They can't lie to so many people.” The boy didn't think it was necessary to make excuses. He was just tired and didn't know what to do. Sergey then thought that the whole world was against him... The only person who helped him in this critical situation was his classmate. All these months she felt sorry for him, but in class she was afraid to express sympathy and support him so as not to become an outcast herself. But she told the fight story to her mom. Her mother started asking her how the kids in class felt about the “newcomer” all this time. When it turned out that he had been bullied and was being bullied “amicably”, the girl's mother called Sergey's parents and told them everything. The situation went too far, and they decided to transfer Seryozha to another school. But the boy no longer wanted to leave his torturers, as he had come to terms with the violence. By his own admission, he was afraid that the new school would do the same thing, and at this school he already knew what to expect from his classmates. This behavior was indicative of his “psychological trauma”. In psychology, this painful dependence on one's torturers is called the “Stockholm Syndrome”, when a person obeys the oppressor and even begins to sympathize with him. And the saddest thing is that Sergey came to terms with the fact that he was a victim and accepted his new “status”.

If Sergey had sought help from parents or teachers in time, it would be possible to stop bullying at an early stage. And if he himself had information about how to behave in such a situation, then perhaps such serious consequences for his psyche could have been avoided. And I'm very sorry that I found out this story when he had already moved to another school and even started going to a psychologist to overcome his fear of the unknown. What advice would I give to Sergey if he told me about what happened during the first days and weeks of studying at a new school.

****

What our hero faced is called in psychology school mobbing. School mobbing is a form of emotional abuse when suddenly a class or a large part of the class takes up arms against a classmate/classmate and starts bullying them. The purpose of this psychological bullying is to force you to obey the leading group and its laws, or to force you to leave the classroom. Those who poison are called mobbers. The word is beautiful, but it doesn't decorate them at all. In psychology, those who are bullied are commonly called “victims”, but this is not entirely true either. Until the person himself decides he is a “victim”, he will not become a victim.

The psychological terror of one person against another is called bullying. Bullying It is also common in the school world, as it is associated with the struggle for leadership: the “hero” or “heroine” of the class is afraid of losing her leadership position, and therefore fears competition from the “new one”. The means to achieve the goal in mobbing/bullying is:

• spreading rumors;
• intimidation;
• isolation/boycott;
• verbal abuse;
• damage to the “victim”'s personal belongings;
• harassment on social media;
• spreading false information through social networks;
• humiliation and physical abuse.

You may think that this is all like a computer game - “catch up and knock out”, but it's much more complicated than the game — it's life, or rather, a “rehearsal” for adulthood, in which one person or group of people often seeks to subordinate a person to their will and deprive them of freedom of choice and freedom of speech. Even adults do not always manage to understand this difficult situation alone. That's why in a mobbing/bullying situation, you can't do without the support of friends and adults you trust. Without this support, you can easily not move to the next “level”. Mobbing and bullying situations are the very situations when, in fact, “no man is an island”.

Psychologists say that the “new guy” is almost always chosen by the majority of the class (mobbing) or by some classmate (bullying) as a victim — he is an “outsider” and is, as it were, tested for strength or “poorly”. But not only “beginners” suffer from brutal school mobbing/bullying. According to statistics, teenagers are most often mobbed or bullied:

• children with facial, visual and hearing defects;
• very tall or very small guys, the “youngest”;
• children with defects in movement, speech, etc. ;
• fat or very thin guys;
• those who stand out for their good studies and exemplary behavior;
• those who find it difficult to study;
• those who are not liked by teachers and those who wear “favorites”;
• those who do not know Russian well enough;
• those who have a different way of dressing, hairstyle, piercing, tattooing, etc.
• those who have vacationed with their parents on exotic islands and those whose parents cannot afford it;
• children with increased emotionality;
• introverted and unsociable children and adolescents.

Are you surprised that I've listed just about everyone you've ever met in your life? Then you will be even more surprised to learn that anyone at any age, in any position and in any team, in any country in the world, can find themselves in a mobbing situation. Mobbing is a global socio-psychological disease of society, against which special laws help fight in the US and Western Europe. Psychologists believe that anyone can be bullied if he is “his own”, from his own environment, but at the same time at least in some way different from “his own”. Pay attention to the phrase “may be exposed”! It doesn't have to happen at all, but you have to be prepared for it!

My advice can help students who are about to move to a new class, and they can be useful for those who feel that for some reason the attitude towards them in their class has suddenly changed for the worse.

Tips for students entering a new class:

• You should know that this might happen, but you don't have to be afraid of it. Just look at this situation as a new role you're going to have to play. I even wonder how you're going to deal with it?
• Before you go to school, gather your thoughts and think about what a decent and good person you are, remember the things you were praised for or that you were once proud of. Think of yourself well.
• One evening, think (or write on paper) all your strengths and achievements (in sports, video games, reading, helping friends and animals), even the most seemingly insignificant ones (cleaning the room, feeding the hamster, avoiding stepping on a snail, helping the spider get out of the bathroom).
• Remember why your classmates in your previous grade like/disliked you, and try to draw conclusions about what you should or should not do/say in the new class. For example, never gossip, join groups, or form groups yourself.
• Be prepared for the fact that you might be alone for a while. But you shouldn't be concerned about your loneliness. Hecaton of Rhodes, an ancient Greek philosopher in the early 1st century BC, said: “Will you ask me what I have achieved? I've become my own friend!” , and the Roman philosopher Seneca added: “He has achieved a great deal, because now he will never be alone. And know that such a person will be everyone's friend.” In other words, be able to be alone with yourself, know how to keep yourself busy, become interesting to yourself, and then other people will also become interested in you over time.
• Don't look at your phone all the time, don't wait for text messages. After all, you're waiting for confirmation that you've been accepted into the group, that you're part of a whole. Such a thing about your age is that you need to identify yourself by belonging to any group. You can't understand who you are until you look at yourself through the eyes of your peers and see that you are similar. If you realize that this is just an age-related psychological phenomenon, you may feel better and won't strive to join a group to understand and accept yourself as you are.
• And if they don't want to accept you into their circle, don't be afraid to receive bad news. You can live just fine without their approval and approval. You can be yourself and sooner or later you'll be rewarded for your resilience. You don't have to sacrifice your habits and freedom to be liked by someone who considers themselves to be the “elite” of the class. By showing an independent character, you will immediately arouse their respect and interest in themselves. Remember that the world doesn't end with this group of guys. You could always leave school and quickly forget their faces. So why would you feel dependent on their opinion, which is as erratic as the weather?
• Don't try to please people who like you but don't accept you. This is a lost cause. Don't try to flatter them or play along. Even if they accept you, they will still laugh and gossip behind your back. Losing your self-esteem and independence is too high a price to pay to end up at the errand of some arrogant guy or girl. Let them take an interest in you themselves and start solving you like a riddle. And to do this, be mysterious, laconic, be inaccessible to many. And stay calm and calm in every situation.
• Walk with your back straight and look your offenders in the eye. Even a wild animal in the forest can be taken aback. Don't look away.
• Put on a mask of indifference and don't react to injections and mocking remarks addressed to you. Let it be their problem to make you mad. They'll hate it all the more that they failed to put your grudge to rest like a wave of surfing. But when they get a lot of pressure, you can look into the eye and straighten your back and say in a low voice: “You will do/say it again and you will see what will happen.” Or you could just send the offender away. And, in the end, you can use force, but only by assessing your capabilities and balance of power. And don't be afraid at the same time, don't feel like a victim. Fear is passed on to offenders. They need your fear like bees need nectar.
• Remember that there is a big world outside the school where you can take an important place. Find a job you like outside of school. For example, do sports or music, develop scripts for video games, or volunteer work. An enthusiastic person always inspires respect, and the class will understand that your relationship doesn't come true for you, and that outside of school, you matter to someone, have different interests and a different social circle.
• Be modest, try not to stand out very much with your appearance. Don't brag, don't show off your new “gadgets” or a new phone. These recommendations don't mean you should turn into a “grey mouse”. Some people will never be able to do it at all, but being able to fit into a new team is an art and, if you like, a game. Try it, but don't give up on yourself, your habits and style.
• While you learn the rules of the game, you should listen more than talk, look closely at everything and everyone, and to do this, you have to be in your own private refuge without attracting too much attention. But don't confuse this position with the fear of falling into a hole so that you won't be noticed or offended again.
• Try to be friendly and even with everyone. Ask advice from people who love to give them, and help those who you think are in need. Try to analyze relationships in the classroom. In the evening, before going to bed, do a “review” (as those who practice martial arts call them). Lie down and remember what happened during the day at school. Who is friends with whom, who doesn't love whom, what groups there are and how they relate to each other. Remember lines, scraps of phrases, looks. This is also communication — communication, but non-verbal, that is, without words. Figure out who could maintain normal relations with you, who has already supported you with a look or gesture.
• Don't impose your society, but don't walk alone either. If there's someone in your new class who's interested in you, talk to them more often. Don't make friends if they don't want to accept you into their circle. You can do without friends in class, for that matter. You're a unique person. You have your own interests, and you can create your own circle of friends and like-minded people if you want to. And it doesn't have to be your classmates at all.
• Don't let your teachers treat you rudely from the very first day of your new school. Try to answer them politely but firmly so that they understand that you didn't like what they said. You can talk to adults like this if they are wrong: “You don't need to talk to me like that. I'm asking you not to contact me like that. Please don't be rude to me. You don't have the right to talk to students like that. There is a Declaration of the Rights of the Child, which talks about protecting the rights and dignity of children. You're breaking the law.” If you do this after the first attack on you, you may stop other attempts to insult you. If you stand up for yourself in front of students who are used to enduring a teacher's mistreatment, then the attitude towards you in the classroom will change for the better. Not every child can stand up for themselves, so you are sure to arouse respect and even gratitude in one of your classmates.
• Perhaps some of your classmates who were chosen by the teacher as a “scapegoat” and is always hammered by the teacher will also need your help. Read great books in which your peers, who are themselves emotionally abused, stand up for those who are even worse off than they are - the weak and disadvantaged. These books provide an excellent example of how by saving another you can save yourself and even make a difference by arousing respect from your persecutors. I recommend reading David Almond's book Fire Swallowers (10+) and Sally Gardner's antitutopia The Wormy Moon (13+).
  
  

Let's get back to the situation with Sergey.

Our hero should have been alerted by the first signs of mobbing when his classmates

• laughed behind his back;
• made evil jokes about him in front of everyone;
• they hurt his appearance with words.

Sergey should have fought them back right away. And he thought it would all end by itself if he ignored all these insults, but mobbing was rolling like a snowball down a hill on him. His classmates felt that he was not answering them not because of his inner strength, but because of his fear and weakness. He wanted to be invisible so he wouldn't be touched. And a person who tries to be invisible immediately attracts attention. Sergey could have prevented the bullying from continuing if he immediately reacted to the first signs of mobbing. It's important to let the wildlife world know that you're not being joked with. But then you can walk around with utter indifference, rarely snapping or calmly answering something like this: “This is your opinion. I'm not interested in it. Think how you want to. Doesn't touch me.” And you need to play your role without interruptions to tears and resentment. And Sergey was patient until:

• they ruined his things, hid his notebooks, threw his bag out the window;
• publicly bullied and insulted him in order to provoke him to react;
• finally, they made him unable to stand it and rushed into a fight;
• During an analysis of the situation, the school administration accused him of aggressive behavior and of “always starting first”.

Think about what else Sergey could do to change the situation. I've thought about it and I suggest

tips for those who are entering a new class or are feeling a change in their attitude towards themselves in their class:

• If you are in doubt and don't really understand what's going on around you, start writing down all the “signs” of bullying (mobbing) in your notebook every day. Reread before going to bed and add what you've experienced during the day. Be sure to remember and write down your reaction to the actions of your classmates! Put dates before every recording. Don't ever take these notes to school. Mobbing is very hard to prove. If you have a diary with notes about what happened to you, adults who don't always want to deal with teenage conflicts will have to take action.
• Fight back right away and don't wait for the situation to develop. Let them understand from the very first time that you can't do this to you.
• Don't think of yourself as a victim under any circumstances. Don't feel sorry for yourself! Remember, it's not your fault what's going on. This can happen to anyone at any age. But you should definitely think about the fact that this happened because of which your classmates, with whom you have been studying for several years, suddenly changed the attitude towards you. Analyze the moment when things went wrong. Try to fix the situation. Have an amicable one-on-one conversation with someone or someone you're experiencing tension with. If you see aggression, don't run into it, just walk away and start ignoring the aggressor. Believe me, ignoring often hurts those who are trying to get to you and find your weak point.
• Take a closer look at your classmates and you will see some of them or someone who is not involved in your bullying, who, perhaps, even silently sympathizes with you. Talk to him, try to make friends. If you see someone in class who is also being mobbed or bullied, try to encourage them and provide them with moral support. If there are already two or three of you, the mobbers may retreat.
• Whatever happens to you, try to be calm and even in all your forms. Feel your inner strength that is given to each person. How do you know you have one? Have you ever run in the dark? If so, remember that you didn't fall back then, but ran even faster than during the day. You were carried by your inner strength.
• Think good of yourself. This is passed on to other people. Look at yourself in the mirror with pleasure. Smile and... become your friend))).
• The mirror will also help you to rehearse your responses. I suggest this exercise in front of the mirror: stand upright, raise your chin, look into the eyes, speak quieter and lower the timbre of your voice. Feel your inner strength and confidence, and for this you need to be focused and fit. And remember, they need something from you, but you don't need them, so you can easily tell them about it and send them away.
• Don't worry — that's all mobbers are waiting for. Keep your self-esteem. Don't be offended! “They carry water to the offended,” people say. This is difficult, but it is possible, especially if you have your own world outside of school and know that not every relationship is limited to the classroom.
• Don't be fooled by the changed attitude towards you. If someone suddenly starts praising you and making friends with you from someone who despised you recently, try to understand what they need from you. Very often, such an attempt to make friends is followed by a “setup”. They want you to relax and stop holding the line so you can strike. This strategy is often used by girls: don't be friends - then make friends and find out secrets - then don't be friends again and betray. Remember I.A. Krylov's fable about the crow and the fox. “Darling, how pretty!” Flattery can overshadow your mind. Treating all manifestations of sudden sympathy for you with a certain degree of mistrust and suspicion can save you from bitter disappointment. And if that happens — you fall for flattery — then there'll be no one to blame but yourself.
• When you realize that nothing is helping and only getting worse, turn to the adults (parents, teachers, school principal, school counselor) you trust for help. BUT this must be done in time, i.e. before you are provoked into a fight and then accused of all deadly sins. Be sure to read your notes to adults! They will help you “remember everything” and prove that the harassment by your classmates was long and thoughtful, and this is mobbing.
• Don't be afraid to talk about your problems — this is neither a denunciation nor a complaint. Don't be afraid to tell me, even if you're blaming yourself for something. And call a spade a spade - tell a teacher, psychologist, principal and parents that you're being mobbed by a classmate/classmate and show your notes. This is the only way to save yourself from a psychological trauma that can remind you of itself even when you are transferred to another school.
• Remember that mobbing is a problem for those who hurt you. They have some complexes and grievances that they're trying to take out on you. They just got their hands on you right now. If you don't let yourself be offended, they'll find someone else. Otherwise, most indifferent people who don't support you in class are simply afraid of being “new” - a “scapegoat” or a “black sheep”. By turning to adults for help, you may be able to save your mobbers: without getting repulsed in their youth, they will definitely continue their offensive against the weak or “other” not like them in adulthood. And who knows how this will end for themselves and their new “victims”? In any case, this will already be a public problem, since mobbing is a common social phenomenon. But so far this is still a problem for the school, whose administration must stop school mobbing/bullying. Your task is to use your knowledge about mobbing and bullying when talking to the school administration.
• Let your parents (adult or adult friends) help you. To do this, you need to tell them what's going on with you at school. Don't bring the story to the “dead end” in which the hero found himself A familiar situation. If he kept a diary and wrote down everything that happened to him by day, it would be easier for him to prove his point. If he had told his parents right from the start that he was being harassed in class, his parents would have taken his side. But Sergey still has a way out. The guy can be transferred to another class, to another school. Parents often do this when they realize that the child stops paying attention to studies, as he is immersed in worries about “why the classroom doesn't like him”. When talking to your parents, don't forget to use your knowledge about mobbing and bullying. Tell them that in many countries around the world, there are laws that prohibit stalking people at school/institution/work just because they are “different” or someone doesn't like them.
• If you ask your parents to transfer you to another school, and for some reason they refuse to do so, give them the following argument: the psychological term “burnout” is physical and emotional exhaustion that leads to various psychological illnesses that do not develop immediately, but accumulate and manifest themselves in serious nervous breakdowns. If a young person at school is under stress, sooner or later he “burns out”, and this ends in failure.
• The main thing is not to stay alone, in the cocoon of your suffering and anxiety. Be sure to share your doubts with an adult you trust. Who knows, maybe he himself experienced bullying when he was a child or as an adult and can help you overcome mobbing and its consequences.
• Remember, you're not alone. There's always someone who can help you. Take a look around you and let me know.

(The article uses works by the AES+F art group (Tatyana Arzamasova, Lev Yevzovich, Evgeny Svyatsky+Vladimir Friedkes) The Last Uprising 2. Tondo #3, 2005. Digital print on canvas. MAMM/MDF collection. “The Last Uprising” exhibition http://www.mamm-mdf.ru/exhibitions/iz-proekta-poslednee-vosstanie/)