Anna Shaposhnikova, member of the Public Council of Parents of Disabled Children and Young Persons with Disabilities at the Department of Labor and Social Protection of Moscow.
A call for recess. Katya leaves class, her classmates overtake her at the door, touching her shoulder and shouting: “Katya is a fat cow!” The next day in class, a bunch of kids approach her, one of them saying, “Give me some milk!” Katya understands the message, but, not knowing what to do, enters into a dialogue:
- I don't have milk...
- How do you live, a cow without milk! - The guys laugh together; someone bends in half in a fit of laughter.
The next day, Katya walks down the hall, the guys rush by, throwing: “Moooh...” as she goes.
In tears, Katya turns to the teacher complaining that she is being teased. “What are they saying?” - the teacher asks. “Moo,” Katya answers honestly and still hopefully. “Well, that's what it is, it doesn't apply to you at all. You're an attraction,” the teacher replies with relief. A curtain.
The teacher's arsenal of reactions and actions to the mobbing situation is diverse: ignore, decisively prohibit, exhort, ask questions helplessly (“Dima, why did you hit Petya?” ), call parents (most often the parents of the offended person) - but it is ineffective. At the moment, the Russian School does not have a single Russian or private school policy regarding mobbing — bullying students by other students (or teachers and students). But that doesn't mean it will always be like this. It seems that the time has come to replace unrest with healthy positive patterns.
If you are a parent of a student and it turns out that there is mobbing in the classroom, then your child is certainly involved in it, either as a witness, or as a victim, instigator, or singer. Most likely, since you are reading this article, you are taking this approach responsibly, and you don't want the experience of a witness to corrode a person's soul with cowardice, to fall in love with the experience of the persecutor to be absorbed, and the victim's experience to leave painful scars on memory and self-esteem. Bullying does not come from scratch. There are prerequisites and causes of bullying. And the reasons are in the family environment of the bullying child. And the preconditions/reasons (sometimes the causes) of bullying are formed at school.
About family. A teenage child has a growing need to realize themselves and feel important. This deep need comes true when a person 1) does something useful for others through the movement of his will; 2) makes responsible decisions; 3) receives positive reinforcement from relatives — respect, love, joy from his success and his existence as such. Imagine the eldest son in a large family whose parents entrust him with caring for his younger children and praise, encourage and support him in his own endeavors. You can't imagine a child like that at the head of a bunch of mobbers. If a child does not have regular situations where he can make independent decisions and help, the child will find a use for himself somewhere on the side. If a child does not receive support from loved ones or receives a contradictory message from parents, even if well-off parents communicate with the child superficially, often leaving him to himself, or putting a lot of pressure and pressure on him, then the child tries to assert himself, harming another person. In this way, he relieves the pressure of dissatisfaction and enjoys power — evil power.
Along with the need for self-realization, adolescents also have the need to belong to a group, and for acceptance among peers — the need to experience cohesion. And studying doesn't help with that. The fact is that educational activities at school, as they are now, are not group activities. Everyone studies on their own in parallel with their classmate, just as in the first workshops of the Middle Ages, craftsmen, sitting next to each other, worked on their own order. And if there is no group unity in a good cause, then children will enjoy rallying AGAINST someone. This is a strong motive for accomplices to participate in bullying; it drives them along with fear and a desire to take the blow away from themselves.
It is important for parents and teachers to understand that there is almost never a reason to bully the child against whom it is being carried out — there are only reasons (physical characteristics, nationality, academic success/failure, etc.). One example illustrates this thesis: if this child suddenly becomes an uncomfortable object for mobbing, for example, he leaves school; gets stronger and learns to defend his dignity, the group finds another suitable object.
Let me repeat once again, because this idea is new to the school community — mobbing motives are not related to the victim. This is the inner motive of the bullying child. The need for love, for its recognition as important and significant, for self-realization, which was not channeled into a creative direction.
About school. The main prerequisite for bullying is that schools nowadays do not have the goal of education. The modern Russian school performs a purely educational function. It is beyond the scope of teachers' work to create a spirit of goodwill, support and mutual assistance, develop unity, and create opportunities for self-realization for students as individuals.
It happens, and not infrequently, that at school itself there are causes of bullying. The teacher involuntarily initiates mobbing by making regular derogatory remarks about the student. And sometimes a teacher specifically creates and supports persecution to make it easier to manage the classroom. What should a parent of a persecuted child or a persecuting child do about the school? (This article is outside of the scope of the article to consider what a parent should do towards a child — for the sake of focusing on interaction with the school.) You've figured it out and made it clear that this is not a confrontation between rival forces, but bullying. Don't be silent, talk to the teacher. Identify the problem of mobbing, as it is often not recognized or recognized.
Give the teacher your vision of the situation, which you define as mobbing. The teacher may disagree with you or he may put forward arguments, accusing your child (“she screams and fights herself”), justifying those who offend you, and reducing the significance of the problem (“this is a transitional age, what do you want”). Insist on your position and argue. Declare that bullying is unequivocally unacceptable. When a consensus is reached in perceiving and assessing the situation, try to find goals in common with the teacher - goals that you can say “we are with you”, for example: “we care about creating a friendly classroom environment together.” Ask how the teacher is going to solve this problem. If the teacher doesn't know how to solve a problem in class (which is what happens most often), invite him to read books, articles, and a website about mobbing. Make it clear that you are not blaming the teacher or demanding that he “already know how to cope with mobbing”, but you are definitely demanding that you learn how to do it. Let us know that you will be talking to the school principal about the problem. Be sure to take this topic to a higher level without delay. Keep in mind that every new school day brings new risks and new emotional wounds for children. And overcoming mobbing lies in a broader field of influence and spread than one class.
Write a written request to the school principal, submit it to the secretary and get an incoming number. Why is writing important? We live in a bureaucratic world. If you talk to the director in words, you are a low-weight director, and how many directors are used to reckoning with their parents? But if there is an incoming letter, the director will report on the measures taken to a higher authority. Moreover, the director understands that if you wrote to him, you can write to his management above. Moscow, for example, has adopted a rating system that also assesses the director's ability to build a dialogue with parents and find trust. If parents write to a higher authority, this means that the director did not work with the parents enough, did not come to an agreement, and will get a minus in the rating. Therefore, the director will try to solve your problem more carefully and responsibly.
After handing over the letter, make an appointment with the director and set a date and time. If necessary, for your moral support, bring other caring parents with you, because it is possible that the principal will receive you in the presence of a class teacher, head teacher and, perhaps, a psychologist or social pedagogue. Therefore, so that you don't get confused, the presence of someone who shares your position will help a lot. Just like the teacher, tell the director your vision of the situation: try to prove with the help of facts that bullying and mobbing are taking place. Overcoming bullying at school is primarily the responsibility of the school. Ask the principal what he suggests doing to improve the atmosphere in the classroom. The director has great resources and knows his team, which may include mature teachers who have authority among children and understand children. Often such a person is a teacher of a secondary subject: a worker or a librarian. The director can use them. A whole range of measures is at our disposal. The main thing is that these measures should be aimed at eliminating the cause that prompted children to bully.
Measures may include:
Cessation of provocations by the teacher.
Complete intolerance to any acts of bullying.
Clarifying the family situation of the student leading the bullying and working competently with his parents.
The work of a psychologist with children individually and with a group.
Group viewing of a mobbing movie (for example, “The Scarecrow”), followed by a discussion.
A common interesting thing that will be beneficial, and in which children's different abilities will be used. Here, children will be able to live their success, group unity, and verify their ability to influence the world and change it. Classroom activities in which children can discover themselves as individuals. It is very important for them to see each other closer, to see the other as a person, to see interest in themselves. Invite the director to read books, articles, and a website about mobbing. Take an active approach to school life yourself — organize your classmates' extracurricular activities — going on an excursion, staging a play, doing community services, such as helping in a shelter for stray dogs.
Mobbing didn't come about in a second, and it can't be overcome overnight. This requires a “velvet skating rink” of focused efforts. First of all, the parent's efforts, his picky attention to changes in his child's mood. I would like to end the article on a bright note. Let me give you an excellent example from the present and living future: my friends include classmates from 1951 in Saltykovsky Secondary School in the Balashikha District of the Moscow Region. They studied in a classroom where the teacher had authority, friendship was the main value, and mutual assistance was cultivated. They all worked out as people. Their friendship and solidarity are such that even now, when they are in their eighties, every year everyone who is alive gathers for a reunion.
Moscow, February 7, 2016
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