School mobbing

Dictionary

Mobbing - from English to mob to be rude, to attack in a crowd, to poison

Bullying - from English bullying - aggressive and long-term harassment of one of the team members by another member of the team. Bullying is organized by the leader, sometimes with accomplices, and most remain witnesses/observers.

The concept of “mobbing”

The concept of mobbing was introduced in 1963 by Austrian zoopsychologist Konrad Lorenz. He called mobbing the phenomenon of several small animals attacking a larger enemy. The term became famous after the publication in 1972 of a work by Swedish physician P. Hyneman, who compared children's violent behavior towards their peers with aggressive animal behavior and called it mobbing. In its modern sense, the term was first used by the Swedish researcher of work psychology H. Leyman, who studied the peculiarities of people's behavior in a team in the early 80s of the 20th century. X. Leimann called this phenomenon mobbing and described it as “psychological terror”, which includes the systematic hostile and unethical attitude of one or more people against another person.

Renee Gerraard's The Scapegoat (1982)

The victims, the “scapegoat”, are the grasped:

Belonging to ethnic and religious minorities

Sick people, demented people - handicaps who are subject to real discrimination and victimization

Any individual who has difficulty adapting — newcomer, provincial, orphan, new

Any extremes and deviations from the norm — poverty and wealth, success and failure, beauty and ugliness, vice and virtue, strength and weakness — lead to a clash with the majority.

Why it can be so hard for a scapegoat to prove his innocence

The victim's guilt is fantastically exaggerated. Real or fictional crimes are seen not as another norm, but as an abnormality: a weak person turns into an ugly person, a foreigner becomes stateless. The crowd tends to attribute to the victim those deformities, mental and physical, that reinforce their focus on the victim. (Renee Gerraard's “The Scapegoat”, 1982).

How to recognize bullying at school

School mobbing/bullying occurs in the form of psychological harassment, which have been going on for a long time and which include:

• ridicule, ridicule, name-calling, name-calling;
• slapping, nappings, hitting, beating, damaging and taking away things and money;
• refusal to communicate, play, sit at the same desk, walk, invite you to birthdays; announcing a boycott.

Boycott

A boycott has the greatest impact on a teenager's psyche, as at this age the child identifies himself through belonging to a group. If the band doesn't accept him, he'll be willing to put up with violence or change just to regain the group's favor

Signs of persecution for younger children

• The child became withdrawn, depressed, whiny.
• The baby can't concentrate.
• The child often throws a blanket over his head or hides somewhere even at home.
• The child has no one to ask for homework, no one calls him.
• The child does not want to answer questions about school and tries to skip school under various pretexts.
• Children are not invited to birthdays.
• The child is ashamed of new things and is afraid to attract attention with a new backpack or jacket, a new hairstyle.
• A child's things are often ruined at school, or he too often “loses” them.
• The child has frequent headaches or stomach pain. He sometimes freezes in fear, holding his breath.
• She tries to stay close to adults at school during recess or in kindergarten for a walk.
• The child has difficulty answering at the blackboard or refuses to answer at all, even if prepared.
• The child lost interest in school and previous hobbies.
• The child does not want to invite anyone to his DR.

“Roles” in a mobbing situation

• Initiator
• Initiator's Assistant
• Watcher
• Victim protector
• Victim

All children who are in a mobbing situation are psychologically traumatized!

What parents should do to make their child recognize bullying and survive

• To be in constant contact with a teacher or educator, other parents.
• Constantly talk to your child about all sorts of topics, including what “happened today”.
• Talk to your child about these complex topics, discuss children's books where the themes of aggression and violence meet.
• Teach your child to identify their personal boundaries and not be vulnerable (including “not opening up” to new people, learning to “sniff and look closely”). This can only be done by example, talking about how you coped or are now coping with different situations at work and don't let yourself be offended.
• Focus on the child's abilities. To praise him for what he is good at. Involve the child in everyday activities, seek advice and help even on adult issues.
• Children learn from our patterns of behavior regarding aggression and injustice, so we need to take care of ourselves in front of children and use every opportunity to demonstrate the right “model” of behavior, drawing the child's attention to their reaction. For example, responding to rudeness with a firm voice: “Don't speak to me that way. Please don't address me like this again. So I don't want to hear such words addressed to me.” Moreover, this can be defending not only your personal boundaries, but also those of others, when in your presence a person is confused and could not respond to rudeness or mockery.

How to teach a child to resist peer aggression

• We work with the child on body language, gestures, the ability to manage anger and use arguments in all possible situations. Tell your child it's like a rehearsal where you're a director and he or she is an actor. If you train these skills, they will become a habit.
• For example, in a situation where your best friend tells you that she won't be friends with you if you don't stop talking to your roommate, or even better if you tell me what you found out about her while you were friends.
• We are working on the answer (phrases, intonation, posture, look):
  “I'm not going to do this. I'm sitting next to her and I love her. Don't blackmail me. If you stop being friends with me because of such nonsense, then it wasn't friendship. I'm not going to be alone, I'm going to have it. Why should I obey you? Why are you better than me or her?” Straighten up and lean forward a little bit. Look into the person's eye and say every word clearly. Raise your voice but don't yell. Lower your voice.
• The most important thing is for the child to understand that you don't mind losing such a “friendship”, and such “friends” will respect you more if you point them to your boundaries.

Articles of the “Law on Education of the Russian Federation”

If it is not possible to reach an agreement with the administration, the parents submit an application to the director, which is registered with the director's secretary, which contains a link to the Education Act of the Russian Federation:

Article 41. Student health protection: 8) ensuring the safety of students while staying in an organization engaged in educational activities...

Article 34. The basic rights of students and measures for their social support and incentives 1. Students are granted academic rights to: 9) respect for human dignity, protection from all forms of physical and mental violence, personal insults, protection of life and health...

Article 28 (paragraphs 6 and 7), paragraph 6: An educational organization is obliged to carry out its activities in accordance with education legislation, including:

1) ensure the full implementation of educational programs, that the quality of student training meets the established requirements, and that the forms, means, methods of training and education used comply with the age, psychophysical characteristics, inclinations, abilities, interests and needs of students;

2) create safe conditions for the training, upbringing of students, the supervision and care of students, and their maintenance in accordance with established norms that ensure the life and health of students and employees of an educational organization;

3) respect the rights and freedoms of students, parents (legal representatives) of underage students, employees of an educational organization

Item 7. An educational organization is responsible in accordance with the procedure established by the legislation of the Russian Federation for failure to perform or improper performance of functions within its competence, for the incomplete implementation of educational programs in accordance with the curriculum, the quality of education of its graduates, as well as for the lives and health of students and employees of an educational organization. For violating or illegally restricting the right to education and the rights and freedoms of students, parents (legal representatives) of underage students under education legislation, or violating the requirements for organizing and carrying out educational activities, an educational organization and its officials are administratively liable in accordance with the Code of Administrative Offences of the Russian Federation).

Mobbing/bullying situations: Cases

Situation 1. “I'm not a copper nickle to please everyone”

The girl comes back from vacation and wants to join her old school group, but the guys ignore her. She listens to them talk about their summer experiences and also tries to share her experiences: “You know, I went water skiing in the summer. We went to the reservoir, and it took me four hours to...” The guys listen to her indifferently, and then, without listening to it, turn their backs and discuss some of their problems. And this disregard is confirmed by several other cases. What advice should I give to my child?

Situation 1. The child's options for action

• You can try asking a close friend from this circle about what happened. If she starts to fool around or doesn't want to talk about this topic, then she shouldn't bother with questions anymore.
• You can't ask everyone why they changed their attitude towards you. This happens. Things are changing. Don't eavesdrop. Think about the situation and worry.
• Try not to react in any way. Try to at least pretend it didn't hurt you. Get away from them. Life goes on, and you're sure to find someone you'll be interested with, not at school, but outside of school. The world is not limited to school!
  
• Don't troll them and hurt them. Don't fill your head with thoughts of revenge. They don't think about you, so don't think about them either. Don't waste your emotions on people who are indifferent to you or treat you badly. Give them your indifference in return.
• Don't try to please them. Don't break yourself. They won't appreciate it, but will rot you even more and treat you like a loyal dog. Don't let them devalue you!
• Find something to do (club, section) outside of school that would interest you. Change something about your image to make you enjoy it. And be indifferent to their praise or aggression.
• Love yourself. You're unique. There are no people like you anymore. And no one has the right to tell you what you have to be like.
  

Situation 2. Girlfriend

Back in first grade, the girl became friends with a strong girl who constantly manipulates her. For example, he says “I won't be friends with you anymore if you talk to Vera”, or “if you perform at this contest again, I won't be friends with you”, “if you go to the blackboard first, you're bad”, “don't raise your hand before me.” The girl is very worried and tries to please her friend, following her orders. This affects the child's academic performance and mood, which changes depending on how her friend treats her. What should I do in this situation?

Situation 2. What parents should do

• You can talk to your daughter about these topics, opening her eyes to her friend's actions and to “friendship” itself, and tell her that a friend needs a slave, not a friend. Give examples of true friendship (movies, books, stories from your own childhood).
• Don't stop her from being friends with this girl. Let her make that decision herself.
• Load your daughter with courses and clubs outside of school so that she has little time to chat with a friend who devalues her.
• You can talk to the teacher if you trust her and ask her to keep this situation under control. Ask her to ask her more questions, give her various instructions on the grounds that she will do everything well. And also invite other guys to join this common cause in order to unite them. You can ask the teacher to give instructions to that girl in the company of other classmates so that they also have a common cause, and she can also prove herself so that there is a competitive environment between groups.
• You should not sort things out with your daughter's friend or her parents.
• When you see that a friend has a very big influence on your daughter, suppresses her, manipulates her, you can also think about moving yours to another school.

What parents who learn about bullying in the classroom should do

• Urgently contact the teacher, tell everything and ask for action.
• You can contact the parents of the bullying victim to take action.
• You can ask your child to lend a helping hand to such a child. Sit at his desk with him. Help with homework. Invite a visit.
• You should not talk to offenders without the knowledge of your parents and scare them.
• You should not contact the school administration to have aggressor children immediately removed from class.
• We should invite the teacher and school psychologist to bring together the parents of children involved in the mobbing situation to listen to the children's versions and make a decision together.

Bullying situations. Parents, what are you going to do?

• You accidentally learn from your child that there is a new person in class, who for some reason your child didn't like right away. What are you doing?
• You accidentally found out that there is a child in the classroom who no one talks to, and the leaders constantly call him names and pester him. Your child is comfortable with this. He does not participate in bullying, but he does not communicate with him either. What are you doing?
• You've learned from other parents that your good child is the initiator of bullying a new person or is actively poisoning with the initiator. What are you doing?
• Bullying breaks out in your child's classroom from time to time. Many have already been “victims”, and some have already been persecutors or their assistants. You know your child wasn't among the bullies. What are you doing?
• Your child wasn't invited to a birthday party, although they were usually invited. What are you doing?
• You tell the teacher (class teacher) that your child is being bullied. She says, “Well, what can I do?” What are you doing?
• You have a new girl in your class who immediately begins to intrigue, destroy old friendships, and pit children against each other. At the same time, she is a nice girl and a good student. She is slowly becoming a class leader. Your daughter is friends with her and loves her. What are you doing?
• Your child is about to stand up for a classmate who is being bullied by strong leaders. He's asking for your advice. What are you going to do?

Situation 3. Brother for brother?

Children of different ages study at the same school. The youngest is offended by his classmates and older guys, as he is a bully and bothers everyone. The older one is afraid to stand up so that someone does not find out that he is his brother. He doesn't want his classmates to laugh at him. Parents only learn about what is happening from other parents or from a teacher. Parents' actions?

Situation 3. What should parents of brothers do

• Don't scold children for how they behave. It is necessary to speak to each of them separately. The conversation should be friendly and not in a raised voice. A child will only want to accept your help if you convince him that you will only try to solve his problems with him.
• Children don't act defiant for no reason. Your child's aggressive or annoying behavior may also be due to his classmates, but perhaps the reason for this is the behavior of his older brother, who constantly devalues him, doesn't take him into account. A younger child may feel rejected in the family. It is small and it is constantly pointed out to him as its main drawback.
• Consider what is missing for your children to feel happy and loved. And try not to devalue children - don't make fun of their awkwardness, don't tell your child: “Well, what else could you expect from you! You're in your repertoire.” Do not comment to him in front of his older brother or in front of strangers.
• More attention should be paid to joint recreation and joint daily activities. Give more assignments to both brothers. Praise them for their merits and completed assignments, for great and small achievements.
• Have a heart-to-heart talk with your eldest son and ask him for help raising your younger son. Ask him to become a friend and senior mentor to your brother, explaining that you don't have enough time and you're counting on him. Make your eldest son a like-minded person in raising younger children. Delegate some of your powers to him without having to burden him, but ask him to forget about violence and devaluation. Control this process of bringing brothers closer together, but don't impose your own rules of communication. Tell your older brother about the younger brother's good character traits and his successes. Ask him to go to the movies or the theater with him. Let them try to find a common language on the sports ground or in the process of mastering a new computer game. Remind your eldest son that he used to be like that too.

What should parents of a “victim” of bullying do

Talk to a teacher. Calmly and without any complaints on your part. If you see that the teacher does not admit that your child was bullied, then go talk to the school principal, having already received a letter addressed to the principal. If the conversation did not lead to the expected result, register a letter with the director's secretary, stating that a copy of the letter will be sent to the Department of Education. But decide for yourself why are you putting your child under stress while you get the necessary measures? Is it worth leaving him in a malicious environment at this time, where he will be subjected to even more pressure? I am sure that children should be removed from the destructive group as soon as possible.

What should parents of classmates of a persistent and aggressive child do:

• You should not contact a teacher and ask her to isolate a troubled child — transfer him to another school, to a different class.
• Parents of other children should not “have a one-on-one conversation” with this child.
• You should not call the child's parents and say that he is very restless, bothers and bullies everyone. This could end badly for the child.
• Arrange with a teacher and psychologist to talk together with the parents of an anxious and aggressive child. In a friendly tone, convey to his parent that his behavior prevents him from learning and communicating, primarily to himself, that you are ready to help him integrate into the classroom, but only if they also take part in it. And, of course, they will try to figure out what is the reason. But, unfortunately, parents of aggressor children do not make contact with other parents and teachers, denying the facts of aggression and turning their child into a “victim” of the conflict. This should be taken into account. Very often, children's aggressive behavior is a cry for help; most likely, these children themselves are victims of aggressive behavior by adults or peers.
• Talk to your child and ask him to support a troubled classmate: invite him to DR, say something encouraging, find a reason to praise him (we should think together in advance how to help him).
• Very often, these children need friendly participation and one friend or girlfriend is enough who will not be prejudiced against him, but will calmly communicate, help with homework, praise him for his success or appearance, and the child can “thaw” and change for the better.
• And a patient, friendly attitude towards such a child will be a good communication experience for your child. Very often, children's books that describe similar situations help in such cases (see the “Anti-Mobbing List of Children's Books” page on mobbingu.net.

Good advice for children

• Remind yourself often that it's not your fault. This happens to anyone your age.
• Remind yourself more often that this is all temporary. It will be over soon, and if you don't have the strength to endure it, ask adults for help or ask them to be transferred to another school
• Expand your social circle outside of school, and to do this, you need to do things that you would be happy to do — clubs, sports, reading, theater.
• Love yourself — if you want to pamper yourself by lying in the bath with a book or if you want to watch your favorite show, do it. Ask your parents. Say that you feel sad and lonely right now and want something good and positive.
• Talk to adults you trust. If they don't understand, contact other adults you trust! They're sure to help.
• You definitely need someone by your side — a friend, parents, brother or sister, neighbor. Some of them will definitely be by your side, but you need to tell them everything to do that!
• Imagine yourself in the future. What are you going to look like? What should I do? Dream of a time when your grievances will be forgotten.
• Learn how to make a stone face. Work it out in the mirror (maybe with the help of your parents or friends who will give you offensive remarks). No matter how you or those you love are insulted, don't react. Shut up. Or say as indifferently as you can: “Well, if you want to think so, think so. I don't care.”
• Learn to warn loudly that you didn't like something: “Don't say that again!. I don't like this! So I don't want to hear you say that again! Make a lot of kids hear it, but don't give up yelling.
• Learn to call names back. Prepare what you would like to say in advance. But count on your strength if you have to fight back.
• Mentally surround yourself with a wall. Don't be interested in what people think and say about you. You're not going to be good to them anyway, so don't try. Everyone can't like it. The main thing is your peace of mind and self-esteem, and you will find friends elsewhere.
• Anyone can be bullied.
• You're being bullied and bullied not because you're overweight, your brother is disabled, or your parents are getting divorced. It's just you, and any other classmate could be in your place.
• They're having so much fun. Don't give them a reason to enjoy it—don't be offended, be calm, don't prove anything to anyone. Don't become a “convenient victim” and don't get used to being a scapegoat everywhere and in everything. This just can't happen!
  
• Don't react to the worst gossip about yourself or your family. They're looking for a reason to make you angry and make you make excuses or prove otherwise.
• Don't try to please people who don't like you. Don't go out of your way to prove you're the best. Just stay yourself.
• Don't feel guilty. And don't feel like a victim. This is the problem of those who poison you. They may have been bullied too, but now they want to take revenge and that's why they chose you. They could pick whoever they wanted. But you turned up to them. But you're not the only one being bullied today. A great number of people on Earth have been through this at all times and at any age. Your case is not unique. You just need to ask those adults for help. Who you trust and they will definitely help you!