Psychotherapist Yekaterina Sigitova wrote a manual not for victims, but for initiators and participants in bullying. What roles does stalking a victim divide people into, how to find out what risk group you are in, recognize your bad tendencies, and how to continue working with them.
There are many articles and instructions on the important issue of how to avoid being bullied. Lists are written of what to do and what not to do; studies are conducted on the “incentives” to which the crowd reacts, “recommendations for avoiding...” are written, etc., etc. All this is great, and there are a lot of useful things in such materials. There's only one thing that's superfluous. The focus of responsibility in all such texts is on the victim (what you missed, what you didn't do, how you made a mistake) and advice is given only to the victim, the rest of the participants in the scheme as if they don't exist at all.
Meanwhile, the victim of bullying never makes her own decision about whether to start it. Even if there are victimized elements to her behavior, even if there are provocations. Bullying is always started — and supported by — someone outside, in the crowd. And I think we should write a manual for the “crowd” — for all the roles a band splits into when bullying occurs. Let it be an “avoidance recommendation” for those who are ready to put the focus of responsibility for their actions on the right point. For myself. Perhaps for those who have already had experience in bullying or watching bullying. And also for those who feel “something is wrong” and want to change it. For those who are finally brave and resilient enough to admit this “wrong thing” and want to look into the abyss that's inside. It is unlikely that there will be many such people, but there should still be a manual. Because that's the right thing to do.
Are we diving?
The word “bullying” in Russian was originally a term referring to classical hunting, and meant stalking an animal by a pack of dogs. There are interactions in the wild that can also be called bullying — it's always an act or series of acts by a group against one. And in general, there is a lot of “animal” in this phenomenon, so its study is being carried out, among other experts, by ethologists.
The study of bullying as a phenomenon in human groups (hazing, mobbing, bullying) began quite late, in the 1970s, although the phenomenon itself has existed for centuries, I think. Therefore, the accumulated knowledge base is not very large, and revolutionary discoveries are still being made that turn previously known schemes upside down.
The definition of bullying in its modern sense includes the following mandatory features:
— repeatability;
— intent;
— excess quantity;
— aggression.
It is believed that the essence of bullying is to redistribute power, and its goal is to make the victim afraid.
Read and watch about bullying, artistic:
— “The Scarecrow”, a story by V. K. Zheleznikova and the film
— The Endless Book, Michael Ende
— Black Swan Meadow, by David Mitchell, book.
— “Sailor Wilson's White Balloon” and “I Won't Be Anymore, or Captain Sundukker's Pistol”, Krapivin V. P
— “The Hunted” — film, 1995
— Class, an Estonian film
— “One Against All” — film, 2012
— “August 31" — I. Lukyanova, book
— “Moral Harassment” — M. Iriguayan, book
— “The exception” — K. Juergensen, book
— “19 minutes” — D. Picoult, book
— “Zamorysh”, V. Vartan, book
— “Carrie” — S. King, novel
— “Mice” — G. Rhys, book
— “The Apprentice” — A. Seryozhkin, book
— “Before I Fall” — L. Oliver, book
— “Verochka” — A. Theological, book
— Anna d'Arc by Morten Sanden
— “The Chocolate War” by Robert Cormier
— “The Pits” by Louis Sashar
— “Thirty is coming soon”, Michael Gale (book fragment)
Complete it!
In case of bullying, the team is “divided” into five subgroups, according to the roles that people take on. The number of people who have taken on a particular role may vary. For bullying in its classical sense, the number of groups 1+2+3 should be greater than 4+5.
Initiators
Assistants
watchers
Defenders
Victims
If bullying does not occur in a spontaneous team, but in a group that has formal leaders (school, institute, work teams, moderated forums, etc.), then these leaders who deny the problem are considered to belong to Group 3 and “weigh” a lot, so much in it that just being there can greatly change the “distribution of power” (this also works vice versa, if leaders actively behave in roles) 2 or 4).
So, the “active” participants in bullying, of course, include representatives of groups 1 and 2. Group 3 members are among the “passive” bullying participants. Why are observers also considered participants? See below.
Many studies have revealed an interesting fact: initiators often do nothing themselves. They skillfully “make a mess” and “add fuel to the fire”, and their assistants have all actions and all actual responsibility for them (for some reason, culinary metaphors turned out to be appropriate, and they sound creepy in the context of the phenomenon under discussion). In other words, initiators, when they start bullying, often stay away from the actual episodes and remain “clean” (although not always, and not all of them). In this regard, I think it would be appropriate to divide the initiators into actively aggressive and passive-aggressive ones.
Typical psychological traits are:
— high aggressiveness (both own and greater tolerance for aggressive behavior in general)
— a great need for power and subjugation to others
— impulsiveness, that is, immediate action in case of any feelings or desires, without thought, awareness and control
— lack of empathy, pity and empathy for people, or difficulty with it
— the value of “truth”, “justice” or “retaliation” as the ultimate end that justifies the means.
It used to be believed that initiators have low self-esteem and thus mask it. However, recent studies have refuted this. A typical initiator is more likely to have a high self-esteem and is quite self-confident. And impulsiveness is not so simple: in a significant part of the studies, it has been found that the initiators of bullying act calmly and consciously, that is, they are more violent and sadistic than lack of self-control.
You're at risk for this role if:
— you have already had experience in bullying in this role
— you have childhood trauma and/or experience of abuse
— you have bouts of strong, “bestial” aggression that is difficult or impossible for you to cope with
— it is very important for you to take a leading position in the group
— you enjoy others' suffering (i.e., there is a sadistic radical)
— you are very angry at people who stand out from the crowd and are different from you
— you agree that there are actions for which bullying is an adequate punishment or response.
This includes not only those who whistle at the whistle of the initiators to do all the dirty work with their own hands; but also those who actively support the initiators in general — they often don't participate in the bullying, nor do they criticize it as if it doesn't exist — but regularly and faithfully express approval and give strong support to the initiators on some other issues. So, there will also be a division into two groups: active assistants and passive assistants.
Typical psychological traits are:
— fear of the group (yes, a huge percentage of conscientious active assistants are engaged in keeping aggression away from themselves, and they are all sure that the better they torture others, the safer it is for them)
— the need for self-affirmation, but the lack of energy for one's own initiative in this direction
— dependence on the opinions of others (in particular, stronger initiators), insufficient individualization of values and behavior
— a tendency to absolve oneself of responsibility (“she provoked”, “they made me angry”)
— lack of mentalization, that is, the ability to establish complex connections between feelings, thoughts, actions and their consequences
— low capacity for empathy, empathy, and pity (alternatively, a sadistic radical, like the initiators)
You're at risk for this role if:
— you have already had experience in bullying in this role (or as a victim! This is important)
— you have childhood trauma and/or experience of abuse
— it is important for you to be recognized and popular in the group
— you are easily “infected” by others' emotions and states
— you are comfortable in the role of a manager and you like to follow the rules
— you like the cult of “aggressive masculinity” (for men) or the idea of a “ball of kissing snakes” or a “snake's nest” (for women)
As I mentioned above, watching bullying, unfortunately, is not at all indifference or expressing the position “I don't support this”. Bullying refers to a group of phenomena in which a neutral position is simply impossible, and if it seems so, if it seems that it works against bullying, it is an illusion, a method of psychological defense. At the same time, for roles 1 and 2, silent observation is actually permissive: “I'm comfortable enough with what is happening to remain indifferent.” In addition, observers are never truly indifferent within: watching a group member's humiliation and suffering, they experience a range of intense feelings. Based on these feelings, I would also divide observers into two groups: potential assistants and potential defenders.
Typical psychological traits are:
— fear of presenting themselves to a group (sometimes fear of being in contact at all)
— depreciation as a leading psychological defense (they reduce the “weight” of both good and bad)
— high tolerance for own discomfort
— a typical stress response in the form of “freeze” (rather than “fight” or “run”)
You're at risk for this role if
— you have already had experience in bullying in this role (or as a victim! This is important) -
— you have childhood trauma and/or experience of abuse
— you are convinced that protecting a victim of bullying always leads to bullying against a defender
— you have found something from the list of psychological traits of an Initiator or Assistant, but it's hard for you to admit it
— you are “quiet” and try not to stick out too much — ideally, never
This, in fact, is the manual. Only a small part remains: what should those who have found some of the above, admitted, and want to do it actually do? Here's what.
There are not many programs in the world that work to prevent and reduce the harm caused by bullying. One of them has been implemented in Norway at the state level, and it has very good results (Google the Olveus program). Its focus is to reduce the “rewards” received by active bullying participants. This is one of the main, truly effective areas of prevention. That's why, 1) look for the benefits you get from roles 1, 2, 3. And look for ways to get them differently, or to give them up.
Often, assistants or observers have themselves been victims of bullying or violence in the past. (Initiators are extremely rare) This is the reason for their behavior; they are trying hard to survive an undeveloped traumatic experience in a different way than back then. It is highly desirable to close a Gestalt of this kind with a specialist, since simply repeating scenarios with different roles is ineffective. Therefore, 2) get in touch with your injuries and unexperienced experiences in the psychotherapist's office. This will help you in general, and much more than potential victims of your possible bullying.
Our behavior may be the result of unconscious or denied personality traits. For example, very, very few people manage to recognize a sadistic radical. This does not mean that few people have it; on the contrary, sometimes you get the feeling that literally every second person has it, but it's so scary, embarrassing, and so much violates the “image of me”... Unfortunately, suppression and denial do not eliminate anything; on the contrary, it can take very unpleasant forms. Therefore, 3) don't try to “remove” ugly parts of yourself through denial and suppression, but invest in being in dialogue with them, in contact, and in peace. To get them out of the “grey zone” and be able to handle them. Psychotherapy is the best way to do this, but simply self-examination and honesty with yourself also help.
Our actions are never spontaneous; they are usually a combination of impulse — feeling — action” or “feeling — thought — action”. Many people habitually skip through these links right to the last, and act before they can think or feel. The magic here is that sometimes stopping at the previous link in the chain makes the action itself completely unnecessary! Because, for example, it is aimed at avoiding meeting with feeling, and if the meeting took place, there is no need to avoid it anymore. So 4) slow down between impulse and action, between feeling and action, between thought and action. Try to stop and stay there, try to understand why you need this action, what process in your psychic reality it serves. And let the results surprise you!
* * *
Instead of concluding, I will write down why this text appeared. This is not an idle question, because usually aggressors not only do not want to change anything, but also generally refuse to understand and acknowledge what is happening, even in small details. Therefore, such a text can only cause anger, but not result. So why is that? I'll answer.
I believe in people. Strangely enough, victims are not the only ones who come to therapy (although victims are more frequent). But still, there are also aggressors, former initiators of bullying, and people with experience in bullying. In fact, even former criminals are coming. They come for a reason. They want to change things and they are willing to do something about it—surprisingly, they can do it, and they are doing it. They are changing themselves, and they are changing the environment around them to a healthier one. The other person becomes valuable to them, they begin to feel ashamed and acknowledge the damage, and they can make green, safe choices in the future. This is not a mass phenomenon, but it does exist. I believe that its scale will grow as people become more aware. I also believe that if a person really wants to change, the spots they've made in the past will not turn them completely black.
Yes, bullying can never be completely overcome — it is impossible. It's just about raising awareness in ourselves, about understanding and recognizing something about ourselves. As you know, the unconscious is much more dangerous because it becomes the kind of tail that wags a dog.
You could say that with this text I invite all readers to turn around and look at their tail.
Maybe it's ordinary, or maybe it's such that its owners are at increased risk of getting into the pack.
I would like people, knowing the peculiarities of their tail, to be able to decide whether to be in a pack or not.
If there is at least one more “no” solution in the world, this text was written for a reason.
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