After the scandal surrounding Regina Todorenko, when she spoke negatively about victims of domestic violence, the TV presenter herself was the victim of online bullying. We talked about this controversial situation with Daria Nevskaya, the creator of the first website on the Russian Internet that is fully dedicated to the problems of violence and bullying in the workplace, adolescents and cyberspace —mobbingu.net.
April 8/2020
After the scandal, Todorenko herself became a victim of cybermobbing (a situation where a group of people on the Internet poison one person. — approx. Libera). Society began to tell her: “It's my own fault. You shouldn't have said that. You should have kept quiet or said the 'right' things.” Thus, Regina became the target of harassment by opponents of violence. Is this a double standard?
No, this is not double standards, but a time-tested mechanism of action by the crowd towards their idols, those whom the crowd has nominated from its own ranks. While our idol is saying “the right thing”, promoting healthy lifestyles, mutual love and family values, helping the poor, sick and victims of violence, they are ready to carry him in their arms. People need ideals to follow. As soon as our hero “gets through” — does a rash act or says something they don't expect to hear from him, the crowd is ready to crucify him. She can't forgive him for being just like an ordinary person like any of us. If we can sit on the couch with chips, watch Agatha Mutseniets's “Everyday Life” and wash her bones, our idol can't do that. Regina Todorenko disappointed many of her fans, who believed that she, so beautiful and correct, was certainly on the side of good and unable to judge victims of domestic violence.
A similar story happened in 2010 with the famous writer Yevgeny Grishkovets. He had a very popular LiveJournal at the time, in which he forbade his followers to breed holivars and condemn and rot anyone in comments. His friends listened to him and, touched by his intelligence, called Grishkovets's LiveJournal an “oasis” of social networks riddled with hatred and showdowns. But he once wrote a post accusing the famous group of actors Quartet I of imitating him. He told his readers how he supported the band at the beginning of their career when they were working in the same genre, but now he doesn't want to have anything to do with them, as they fall short of their current high level... After this post, Grishkovets was bullied by yesterday's admirers for two weeks. In almost every comment, they wrote how bitterly disappointed they were by his act. He tried to make excuses, but it got worse. In short, he had to close his once one of the most popular magazines. I remember his farewell photo very well — a closed door filled with balloons dancing in the wind. The crowd did not forgive the beloved writer, who is at his peak of fame, for his disdainful and insulting attacks against Quartet I. By the way, many talented people wrote about the overthrow of their idols by a crowd. Pushkin wrote a lot about this. For example, it has lines like this:
The crowd is deaf
The winged novelty is a blind mistress,
He changes arrogant mischievous people every day
And from one step to the next
Their idols are flying, crowned by her.
It seems to me that the “haughty mischievous” crowds just need to always remember this if they want to stay on this pedestal longer.
Did Todorenko really justify domestic violence in her statement? Or, in the opinion of many, did she just speak negatively about those women who are not trying to fight?
I cannot be responsible for Todorenko, but I will comment on your statement that I “just spoke out”. A public figure, especially an influencer, should think about how his words will resonate. He doesn't have the right to post the first thing that comes to his mind. In a sense, he is a character, and certain reactions and words are expected from him. If Todorenko had been a “bad girl” character from the very beginning and made a name for scandals, she might have been forgiven for these statements, among others. But since she is a “princess Cinderella” character, she was certainly not forgiven. She demonstrated her superiority over victims of domestic violence and went from Cinderella to an “evil fairy”. And if we talk about storytelling, according to the principles of which every such media story develops, Regina, according to archetypes identified by Christopher Vogler (Hollywood producer, screenwriter, writer, best known as the author of The Writer's Journey: Mythic Structure for Writers), is more of a “werewolf”. We should not discount the fact that each such case has its own author and director. And now Regina repents and corrects—donating $2 million to the Violence Net Foundation and making a documentary about domestic violence.
Don't you think that we are currently witnessing a “dictatorship of tolerance”, when any careless or stupid word starts bullying? How to deal with this, and is it worth it?
There are certainly excesses in manifestations of tolerance, as well as in any positive phenomenon in our lives. But tolerance is necessary because it forms new behavioral norms and stereotypes of reactions, including on social networks. Of course, we are now seeing some overlap, but it is inevitable if society wants to be guided by modern rather than medieval ideas about honor, personal integrity and personal boundaries. Tolerance draws each of us's eyes to ourselves, and before we speak out, we ask ourselves questions: “How would I react to these words myself? Would anyone be offended by my remark? Is it appropriate to talk about this out loud?” I associate tolerance not only with the formation of new standards of behavior, but also with the most important factors for the development of a modern person — self-discipline and self-restraint. If you don't limit yourself by thinking about the consequences of your words and actions, there will definitely be someone or those who will do it for you.
In an interview with Voice of America, you mentionedthat women are victimblamed (from English means a situation where a victim of violence is accused of being abused. — approx. Libera) is much more common than men. Why is this happening?
I then said that a woman cannot be forgiven her original sin. It was a joke, but there is some truth to every joke. Women are more likely to be abused than men: women are physically weaker than men, but most importantly, they still do not have equal rights with men. Men are still getting away with sexism, workplace harassment, and domestic violence. Thanks to the #MeToo movement, society has begun to slowly move towards condemning sexism and harassment. I think that we will be able to work together to change this situation. And until there is equality, society will continue to accuse the rape victim of provoking the rapist herself, as she was walking through the park in the evening wearing a short skirt.
By the way, in this regard, I cannot help but recall the latest scandal involving the creation of a literary award named after children's writer Eduard Uspensky. The other day, his daughter Tatyana Uspenskaya wrote an open letter and asked him not to name the Children's Literature Award after her father, as he was an abuser, a domestic tyrant, did not like children, threw her in the same dress in the cold, and sent her to Stolbun's terrible sect “foster” at the age of 12. Two high-profile stories with different results — a man, an abuser and a brawler — are named after a literary children's award (after all, the awards were named after Ouspensky), and a woman who spoke arrogantly about victims of domestic violence is revoked the Woman of the Year award and her advertising contracts are deprived of her advertising contracts. These events highlight gender inequality and our society's double standards. And the media's reaction to Regina Todorenko's statement is the right signal to society: “Victimblaming is evil!” Unfortunately, in the story of Tatyana Uspenskaya's letter, who accused her late father of domestic violence, the media and opinion leaders did not send such a signal to society, and Tatyana, a victim of abuse, was bullied and accused on social networks. I will link these events to what is happening in the United States of America now. The wave of protests that are unfolding before our eyes in the US and some European countries, the reaction of police officers and famous people and opinion leaders around the world to the murder of an African American is the right signal sent to society. I was amazed that no one blamed him, saying that he ran into it himself. No one has the right to condemn a victim of violence. And society should receive very specific signals from the media and opinion leaders in this regard. If this didn't work, racial discrimination would still exist in the US. Remember the Green Book movie, which takes place in the 1950s... What a huge step American society has taken towards freedom from racial prejudice over the past 70 years. This is largely due to the fact that famous people — journalists, politicians, actors, writers and directors — spoke out against violence, discrimination and racism.
If a victim has been suffering abuse for years and does not leave the sadist, does this mean that she subconsciously seeks to be a victim and is looking for a tyrant?
The “craving for a tyrant” may be related to the specific circumstances of a person's life — a difficult relationship with a father, domestic violence that the victim had to endure as a child. For various reasons, women don't walk away from their “favorite” tormentors. But these reasons are different only at the early stage of the relationship, and over time, as you drag yourself into this abusive relationship, they become more obvious to an outside interested observer. They are stereotyped as an answer, as a reaction to the “moves” of an abuser who always acts according to the same pattern, which is called the “psychological pendulum”: passionate love — violence — passionate love, prayer for forgiveness and violence again. Very often, young women fall into this trap at the first stage, when they like a man's show of authority. No one regards these manifestations as the “first bell” that signals that you are getting involved in an abusive relationship. Let me give you an example. A man in love begins to impose his tastes, control his girlfriend's actions, limit his circle of acquaintances, and break him away from family and friends. Girls think that these are manifestations of strong love, but, in fact, the abuser wants to control the soul and body of his victim alone and without hindrance.
How can we help women if they don't talk about violence and don't go anywhere?
It can be very difficult to help such women. After a long abusive relationship, many victims of violence develop Stockholm syndrome — the victim's attachment to his torturer. They love them and take the blame for what's happening to them. But relatives and friends of victims of domestic violence should definitely offer them their help and keep these women in sight, communicate with them and ask them about life. We almost always know or guess what is going on in the families of our relatives and friends. If we even think that violence is possible there, we should not remain indifferent. Especially now, in conditions of quarantine and isolation, when cases of domestic violence have become more frequent.
Pauofficial data, the level of domestic violence during the pandemic in Russia increased 2.5 times. These victims of violence may include your friends and family. If you know or suspect that your neighbors or family of friends and family have had experiences that indicate abuse before, try to communicate remotely with possible victims of violence. Call them more often, listen to them, try to maintain visual contact via Skype or WhatsApp, unobtrusively offer your help, and if there are obvious signs of a threat to their life and health, contact the police without hesitation. And women who want to save themselves and save their children should leave their homes with their documents and children under any pretext and seek help from their relatives or friends who will accept them and help them go to centers for the protection of victims of domestic violence.
Where to go:
+7-800-700-06-00 — all-Russian helpline for women victims of domestic violence (Anna Center)
+7-812-327-30-00 — helpline“Crisis Center for Women (INGO)”(there is an online reception on the site)
+7-499-901-02-01 — helplineSisters Center(there is an online reception on the site)
Author: Anastasia Svirina
Source: As soon as the hero “pierces”, the crowd is ready to crucify him
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