We continue our conversation with Irina Lukyanova
Your child is a “mobber”, “mobbing victim” or “observer”: should he be transferred to another school?
D.N.: On my website, I wrote about a sensational story in Norway in 2014 when a boy was not picked up from a school where he was bullied because his parents, in collaboration with the school administration, settled the conflict. But a 14-year-old boy committed suicide. A fierce discussion broke out in the press and on social networks about this. Some accused the boy's parents of not picking him up from school, while others argued that it was not the victim, but the mobber that should be translated and the entire class, infected with mobberism and permissiveness, should be dealt with, until he was disbanded.
Many parents think this way: if such a child is transferred from school to school, or even transferred to family education, will it not happen that a socially unadapted person, and even with a stable “victim complex”, will enter adulthood? Should a child be deprived of this experience of surviving in a “toxic” environment for his own “good”?
I.L.: Sometimes children get an experience that is useful only in a prison or a maximum security penal colony. In normal adult life, an ordinary person is not beaten or insulted on a daily basis, they cannot be collectively beaten up, things are not taken away from him for no reason, they do not tease him. Where, in what environment should an adult be in to be treated like this? This is a very terrible experience of basic distrust of the world, a willingness to see a threat everywhere and constantly react to it, a constant readiness for unequal combat and pain. This traumatic experience can ruin a person's life for the rest of their lives, if they even stay alive after it. When a child is driven to a state of passion and starts screaming, destroying everything and hitting everyone, this is a huge psycho-emotional stress and trauma for life. When a child's underpants are ripped off and then a video of shame is posted on the Internet, it's a trauma akin to rape. Who needs an “experience” that leaves you with nightmares all your life? Trauma doesn't make you stronger.
D.N.: How can parents prevent/identify/overcome their child's participation in a bullying situation in any of the roles — mobber, victim, observer? How can we explain to children that bullying and watching it from the outside is absolutely evil? Does watching and discussing films and books on this topic together help clarify the situation?
I.L.: First of all, I think you should constantly talk to your child. In my opinion, it is very important not to miss it at the age that I consider to be the most dangerous — and this is not adolescence, it is 10-12 years old, when they crawl out from under the cozy wing of elementary school teachers and enter the secondary school classroom system. There is no longer one teacher who knows and notices everyone, but many; children are left to their own devices, often without adult guidance (the class teacher may not even teach half of the class any lessons). And children try on adult patterns of behavior, which they are often uncritical of. In adulthood, they are fascinated by their “coolness”; back in elementary school, they measure who is cooler. At the same time, they have questions that often baffle adults: “Why should I go to school? Where does it say that?” ; “Why should I listen to adults?” ; “Did I ask for a baby?” Very often, fifth grade, with its complete change in school life, is home to children's neuroses, nervous breakdowns, depression, and unmotivated aggression. Parents complain that the child is crazy and has problems studying. They try to put the child “in his place”, often making the situation worse. At least you can somehow improve the situation only by talking to the child about everything in the world. You need to talk about your life, discuss books and movies, talk about the news, about what you see and hear. At one time, my son and I watched the Ranetki series. Many moms frowned squeamishly at the same name. But the good thing about teenage TV shows is that each episode raises difficult situations and ethical contradictions that require characters to make decisions. Children encounter almost all of these situations in life, but when something happens in life — parents try to give grades and ready-made solutions, to demand and pressure — and when you watch a movie together, you can discuss situations amicably, without edification. This is very important!
Why don't children ask adults their questions? Why don't they confess to mobbing? Why do they solve vital issues without the participation of adults? This is because adults (parents and teachers) are most often pedagogical and edifying towards them. And a child should have a “safe island” — a family where they will always understand and accept him with all his problems without saying “it's his own fault”. There must be a job that he does well and enjoys it. It can be absolutely anything: a child can play the piano, practice aikido, or he can prepare crafts for charity fairs with his parents, knit mittens for premature babies, and paint bird feeders. When a child has an additional “leg” in his stool, this is very good. The “leg of study” may break, the “happy family leg” may break, but there is a chance that in these broken conditions, an additional “leg” will give his stool stability. Another very important “leg” is the presence of “another adult” in his life - a mentor, an older friend with whom they can share their problems. If the parents do not have a trusting relationship with the child, or the child is afraid of upsetting the mother, or the family has too many requirements for the child, then it is very good to have “another adult” — a senior friend from his or her environment or the child's environment. This may be a coach, a friend of an older brother or sister, a family friend, an aunt, a course teacher, or a librarian. The more a child sees enthusiastic adults around him who do what they love and understand and accept it, the more interesting he will be in life.
D.N.: Ira, which children are more likely to be violent than others?
I.L.: Researchers say that, as a rule, these are children who are abused at home; children with narcistic behavior; some write that these are children who talk about themselves as cold-blooded and calculating.
D.N.: And what should parents do when they realize that their child is prone to psychological and physical abuse?
I.L.: We need to figure out what's going on. First of all, talk to the child and other participants in the events. We need to build a clear picture: what happens, when, in what situation, and what is the reason for the aggression directed at others. Already at this stage, a lot can become clear. It is very important to make it clear to your child that you consider violence completely unacceptable and will not support him here. But you can help with something else: in resolving conflicts, in establishing relationships. You can help get the teacher to monitor provocations and stop them before the massacre begins. And, in general, it would be nice to get the help of a qualified psychologist. Unfortunately, very often the reasons lie in the family, and this may require an outside view
If your child is an “observer”
D.N.: Should parents be concerned if they find out that their child watched the violence from the sidelines but did not stand up? I believe that a child should understand that watching means taking part in bullying. Very often, observers are no less traumatized psychologically than victims of mobbing. I read online the confessions of “watchers” who, as adults, are trying to find a victim they were not directly involved in bullying. Then they stopped talking, then suffered for many years, and now they have decided to apologize to the victim...
I.L. Watching is an absolute evil. The child should know that there may be a situation where he is today and tomorrow you will become a victim of teenage terror. But in this situation, especially when your child is small and unsportsmanlike, you need to take a very careful approach to advice on what to do. I don't think you should say, “You're a boy! Should have hit him!” But even a small and unsportsmanlike child can find the strength to say — you can't do that, stop it. Sometimes even this is enough to make classmates come to their senses. It is necessary for the child to find out if there is still someone in class who empathizes with the offended classmate. Talk to this sympathetic child and their parents. Agree to involve the victim of school mobbing in common affairs, take him to the skating rink or to the theater so that the classroom knows that he is not alone. In general, children should be taught conflict resolution and negotiation skills. You should not recommend that your child “fight back” or “not intervene”. Children take these words to heart — and sometimes “surrender” ends in an emergency room and a trial in the police children's room. Perhaps we need to bring together the parties to the conflict and find out, without any assessment yet, what exactly happened. You can say what should have been done, what to do, what to say. This may be analogous to a “pre-trial settlement”. There are schools where every primary school student has an older boss. Such a boss can also intervene -- through negotiations, of course. And children must be taught the basics of conflictology at school. I know that some schools have adult ombudsmen who can be contacted when children's rights are violated. And some schools have children's “reconciliation services” or “mediation services” where specially trained children help resolve conflicts.
D.N.: Ira, how did you teach your children to resolve school conflicts?
I.L. I think I've already written about this somewhere.. There was one time when a classmate took my son's breakfast every day, which I would give him with me. And the son ran after him and tried to take him away. After all, I gave him two breakfasts with me. When the offender came to pick up breakfast, the son handed him a second breakfast with the words: “This is for you, you're hungry.” The boy was taken aback and ran away. So my son still had to run after him and persuade him to take breakfast. But seriously, interpersonal relationships at school are completely unregulated. For some reason, we believe that children should know for themselves how to behave at school. But many situations happen in their lives for the first time only at school, only when they join the team. You can't prepare for them at home, just as you can't teach them how to swim on land. How do children know how to behave when they start being tortured, locked in the toilet, or ruining their things. And what should they do when a teacher calls them idiots, when he grabs the child and takes them out of class by the neck? Some children hide like bunnies and close their eyes so they don't get noticed, while some attack the teacher, shouting “you're an idiot yourself.” The school is often a lawless territory: it does not have clearly defined rules that everyone knows; all the rules — by default, what will happen if the rules are broken — are unknown. Yes, this is written in the school regulations, but which children and parents read the charter? I often visit different schools, but only in one of them I recently saw on my wall a set of laws by which children live, with children's signatures saying that I've read the laws and I pledge to comply with them. It is very important that children do not resolve conflict situations “by concept”. Why are relations in the state regulated by the Constitution, the Criminal Code, and the Code of Laws, but school relations are not regulated?
How can we turn the school environment from “toxic” into a “useful” one?
D.N.: I would like to cite Norway as an example, because I think that schools in Moscow and the Moscow Region, and then, you see, all of Russia can try to learn from it. In this prosperous country, cases of teenage mobbing are also common. However, psychologists and specially trained “conflictologists” there conduct extensive explanatory work with children and parents. At a Norwegian school, every year, starting from the first grade, a child, his parents and the school administration sign a tripartite agreement that stipulates all possible cases of psychological and physical abuse, including damage to personal belongings, for which the child and his parents will be responsible. Until a certain child's age, all responsibility falls on parents who face administrative fines and other troubles (information may come to work), and from the age of 13, the child is responsible for his own actions. In the event of a second case, he may be taken note of by the police or assigned to him by a tutor to monitor his behavior. In this document, the school administration takes responsibility for resolving conflicts related to mobbing/bullying. Their duties are regulated by law. And these days, Norway is widely discussing the law on the introduction of fines for schools where cases of mobbing have been detected.
I.L.: I'm talking about this situation. We need clear and short school rules for children, parents and teachers. Yes, and teachers too. Unfortunately, many situations of school violence are not the result of teacher malice or burnout, but simply the result of lack of professionalism: the teacher does not know how to respond professionally to a student's bad behavior and reacts emotionally: he yells, presses, and assaults. The flight attendant has instructions on how to act if there is a drunk and violent passenger on the plane, but the teacher or doctor does not have such instructions. As a rule, no one taught them how to deal with unforeseen situations. I once saw instructions for teachers at a school for children with deviant behavior (where children are referred by law enforcement agencies): how to act in unusual situations: if a student comes to class drunk, if he swears, if he refuses to work, if he is hysterical during class... The new professional standard for teachers requires teachers to be able to work with children with deviant behavior themselves. But where do you learn? In advanced training courses, such courses are negligible. By the way, almost all Moscow schools for children with behavioral problems have been disbanded and left alone. Where did these kids go? To secondary schools, because inclusion is needed. But no one taught teachers how to work with such children. And teachers are not ready for such compulsory inclusion; they do not only lack advanced training courses, but also books that they can use to study on their own. I specifically compared: on Ozon.ru I found 8 books on attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (these children often interfere with teachers in the classroom, and they need special training to cope with them). Of these eight, only four are intended for teachers, and Amazon.com has about 20,000. Accordingly, books on “managing child behavior in the classroom” or “discipline in the classroom” have 2 titles on Ozon.ru and 52,000 on Amazon.com. We don't understand that non-repressive classroom management is not always a gift from God, but more often specific methods and techniques. How can I make sure that the class is not distracted during the lecture? Of course, you can say “whoever doesn't listen to me will walk out the door now” or “stop talking!”. Or you can make a list of 30 questions about the lecture material that they should hear answers to and write them down while they listen or watch.
How to teach children to resist aggression
D.N.: Irina, what does it make sense to teach children to avoid a situation of mobbing/bullying?
I.L.: First of all, it is necessary to teach children to observe and assess the situation. There are different degrees and gradations of insults — in short, in deeds. It's one thing when kids just catch everyone by checking boundaries. “And you're redhead and rusty!” -- they taught the child to answer “not rusty, but golden!” - the situation is over. And if she throws herself into a fight, the situation gets worse. Learn to answer wittily, not to get into your pocket for a word, to resolve these situations with humor.
What if it goes further? What if they're already starting to take things away and ruin them? Again, we understand that as soon as we join the chase, we accept the game that has been imposed on us. And when does the aggressor go one step further and goes from insulting and taking things to physical violence? If there are several and you are alone, or is the offender bigger and stronger? Very often, bullying is a kind of “loyalty test”. Children are trying to find out where a classmate or teacher has the “button”. If a person is choleric, he immediately gives out his “button”, and children begin to use it. We should not allow us to put pressure on our “buttons”. For some children, such a “button” is their mother, and others start saying nasty things about someone's mother on purpose in order to watch with pleasure how the son goes wild and waves his fists. It is good for children to know the basics of psychology and understand why some people like to harass others. It is important for the child to understand that the reason is often not him, but who wants to hurt you or your mom, whom he does not know.
If the bullying has not yet gone far, and the child is not particularly impulsive, you can try to teach him to observe, recognize provocations and not be fooled by them. And if they hurt or take things, warn me loudly and calmly: “Don't touch me. I'm in pain. Let me go”, “Don't you dare insult me.” Children are attracted to any word even accidentally dropped. We need to teach them how to grow their skin. Izzie Coleman's book of tips “How to get you to stop being teased” comes in handy here (How to Stop Being Tried and Bullied Without Really Trying). It is publicly available on the Web
(http://adhd-kids.narod.ru/articles/stop_teasing_lesson1.html). If the child is physically weak, then the “give back” recommendation does not make sense. He could joke it off. Sometimes you have to snap. In other situations, it makes sense to give the offender three warnings:
1. “Don't come near me”
2. “Get away. Go away, you're bothering me.”
3. “If you come near me, I'll hit you.”
Loud and in front of witnesses, otherwise whoever hit first will be to blame. Sometimes improvised objects help in self-defense: you can pour water over the offender or lock it against the wall with a chair. But this also requires presence of mind, composure and resourcefulness; this is not for everyone. But it is possible and necessary to discuss possible response options. And adult advice should be very thoughtful. Therefore, of course, you should be friends with your child so that he can ask you for advice.
D.N.: What if offenders are not under threat, water, or waving a backpack, throwing chairs? Can only one admonition make a difference? Nikolay Vasilievich Gogol showed in The Overcoat that this is possible. Remember that episode with a young official who stopped and stopped participating in the persecution of Akaki Akakayevich Bashmachkin after he said “Leave me, why are you doing this”?
I.L.: Of course, you can teach your child to say loudly: “Stop it, you're hurting me.” At any rate, it is possible to attract the attention of others who will notice and intervene. But sometimes you have to fight, and if all methods have been tried and all that remains is to fight, you have to fight decisively and bravely. But I would beware of giving my child the advice to “fight like the last time”, although it was the ability to fight like the last time that came in handy when I was a child. It's like the “head-on attack” described in The Tale of a Real Man: whoever gets nervous first loses. But as a mom, I can't give a child the advice “go and die with honor on the battlefield”. Adults should not provoke children to go wall to wall and fight to the bitter end, falling into a state of passion and kicking each other with whatever and anywhere.
D.N.: Psychologists say that the consequences of bullying last for a very long time. Sometimes a person enters adulthood with this childhood trauma and continues to live, constantly proving something to his offenders who forgot to even think about him. People who have experienced bullying tell about this on our website in the “Your stories” section.
I.L.: Children who have experienced bullying need professional psychological help. Self-esteem after bullying will not be the same, so it needs to be restored. The child's attitude towards himself and the world is changing, anxiety appears, depression occurs. The idea of personal boundaries is changing. Moreover, some children may even develop post-traumatic stress disorder, and this is a must work with.
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