I would like to tell you about the book attributed to the Chinese military leader Sun Tzu, “The Art of War” (written in the 4th century Dong.e), but I decided to wait. I'll have time to tell you about it later. I turned to Peg Streep and Alan Bernstein's book “The Art of Retreating” after reading comments on mine YouTube video “How to respond to boorish attacks from management”. People write that the main reason they are willing to put up with a boor boss is the fear of losing their jobs. And they also don't believe that another job will be better. I will not here assess the social phenomenon of government rudeness. In my opinion, this is not the only reason why people don't quit shameful jobs where they are humiliated and insulted. And women who are victims of domestic abuse don't divorce their abusive husbands not only because they love and fear their tormentors. The most common cause of this undesirable and harmful “stability” is the painful fear of losing the existing status, and with it (imaginary?) self-identification. And this, in their opinion, can and should lead to a loss of good reputation and a drop in self-esteem or their “fall” in the eyes of others. What do Peg Streep and Alan Bernstein write about the experience of abandoning their own goals?
“Consciously analyzing and evaluating our own goals, and abandoning some of them if necessary, can sometimes require us to change our view of ourselves, which is not always painless.” As an example, the authors cite the book “Time for Change” by William Bridges, who describes his experience of voluntarily giving up his career as a literature teacher. Bridges describes this “de-identification process” as “an internal part of the wastefulness process. The impact of such a breakup can be far greater than you can imagine.” Bridges was sure that it would not be a big deal that he would no longer be able to call himself a literature teacher, that is, he would stop using this symbol when communicating with friends and strangers. But one day his daughter came home from school and asked: “Dad, what are you by profession?” The students then discussed who their fathers worked for. Bridges felt very confused as he couldn't find one or two nouns like “college teacher” as before. Instead of a stable personality, he got a “fluid” personality defined by verbs: he wrote, consulted, and lectured. He realized that his daughter didn't want to bring a handful of verbs to school, but something normal and specific, and it hurt excruciatingly.”
I understand Bridges very well, because I was going through the same feelings when, after losing my job as a result of university bullying, I could not pronounce the usual phrases “university professor” and “university lecturer”, but had to describe my “fluid” status for a long time with the verbs “giving lectures”, “editing books”, “writing speeches”, “writing articles”, “tutoring”, which, in fact, did not detract from my professional dignity, but seemed to me at the time to betray my restlessness. And all because I wasn't ready to leave and change my goals so quickly. My whole life has been connected with the university, my research and teaching career has developed evenly, my contacts with colleagues have been friendly, and here, one day, everything changes. And we had to make a decision whether to fight or allow ourselves to be destroyed without a fight. It seems that a new goal has appeared — to fight so as not to leave defeated. I didn't regret my decision for a single day, although the fight took a lot of my energy and ran me to the bottom. But at that time, I hadn't heard anything about mobbing/bullying, about strategies for overcoming the bullying situation that would help preserve my health.
When a person finds himself in an aggressive environment, he gives his best to counteract, unless, of course, he is already broken and has not managed to catch the disease of victimization in the team. The thoughtful departure from work or family, which Streep and Bernstein write about in their book, differs from such a spontaneous one in that it allows you to quickly overcome the pain caused by wasting and giving up the usual words — “university teacher”, “married woman”, “lawyer”. I didn't regret fighting, but I regretted not having found a reason and not finding a goal that would allow me to leave before it all happened.
In my author's column Caprichos On the site, I wondered why people, realizing that there is a “stove” hanging over them, don't want to see a threat and wait until the last moment until the stove collapses on them? I also asked this question to myself. The book “The Art of Retreating” helps you understand the importance of retreating in order to achieve your goals. The price we must pay for this voluntary waste is to abandon our definitions of our identity. “It is even harder to lose the comfort that these labels bring to our lives when the loss is against our will: when we are fired, laid off or left behind. Coping with a loss of identity is as important a part of the art of constructive rejection as the ability to manage sadness and disappointment.”
I can confirm this statement of the book based on my own experience. I left my hometown and the country, partly because I don't have to explain to everyone why I now just give lectures and edit books. But fortunately, I “did the work of grief” and gained working-through experience by creating this site, and later my desire to teach at a university came true. But first, my goal was to help people in situations of mobbing/bullying. For some time, this goal blocked my desire to return to the phrase “university teacher” that defines me. Perhaps the ability to deviate from the intended goal eventually leads to it, but in some other ways. And if something doesn't work out on the way to it, it's simply vital to set another goal, even when you lose ground under your feet and feel a slight swaying. After that first experience of late care, I practiced timely care several times and never regretted it.
In this useful book, which I read only a few years after all the reassessments I've done, I saw exercise that helps me assess my ability to manage emotions. “Learning the art of good care involves redirecting thoughts, feelings, and energy towards new goals, as well as making plans to achieve them.” So, we read and decide for ourselves whether these statements apply to us or not.
“The more even statements you agree with, the more successful you are in the art of constructive care,” the authors of the book say. I join them and wish you to leave on time, step back and set new goals for yourself. But based on my experience of resisting bullying, losing and gaining “status”, I can say that the book “The Art of War” helped me a lot at that time. At that time, I read a lot about the “warrior's way”, and tried to follow the recommendations of ancient Chinese strategists. And now I'm sure we need to combine the art of war with the art of retreating.
.png)
