At a recent conference, I was asked if there were any differences between school bullying, workplace bullying, and emotional abuse in the family. Of course, there are differences, but they are united by stereotypes of persecution. And one thing all these types of violence have in common is that impunity allows aggressors to move from emotional to physical. Moreover, this violence is long-term and is aimed at subordinating a person to the will of the aggressor.
I published not a made-up story, but a true story called “Fantastic Beast” about domestic violence. Journalist Marina Alekseyeva shared her childhood memories with us (her story “Christ in Physical Education” is published on our website). Very often, parents practice emotional abuse of their children, raising them and adjusting them to a certain canonical image. Sometimes they don't even realize that they become abusers when they boycott a child, when they take away their phone, when they restrict a teenager's movement, impose their will and decisions on him. I am well aware that some of these actions are used by parents for safety reasons. Parents are trying to isolate their child from evil, bad influence, and computer games by resorting to such measures. And, in this case, these measures can be temporary and short-term. And I want to talk about the kind of emotional impact that can last a lifetime.
Many parents who practice emotional pressure went through this themselves as children. And, as a rule, they explain their actions by the desire to see their child happy. Parents often see their child's shortcomings that have prevented them from realizing themselves, achieving goals and even becoming happy. They fear that the child will repeat their mistakes, will not be realized, and will not become what his family would like him to be. In fact, they want to re-live their lives with their child, simultaneously correcting everything they failed to do during the “first attempt”. Inevitably, they will be disappointed. It often happens that children in authoritarian families begin to rebel very violently at puberty - they are rude, begin to study poorly and practice deviant behavior, and as adults they give up what has been imposed on them - institution or job - and get closer to those who love and accept them as they are. Sometimes they go away and don't turn around. And sometimes they break down and remain under parental supervision for the rest of their parents' lives, who have convinced them that no one will ever care about them LIKE THAT.
Grown-up boys and girls explain their reluctance to leave the family and start their own family by obligations to parents who have cared for them all their lives. No, of course, they are trying to find their happiness, even getting married or getting married, but very often they get divorced and return to their parents' home. The reason for this is the poor attitude of the family towards the chosen one or the chosen one, and the inability to build equal partnerships, the inability to defend their borders and not violate the boundaries of a loved one. Children in whose families the will of one family member was imposed on all relatives and children have big problems with communication. Most often, I've seen adult “boys” in a situation like this who their mothers couldn't let go. I saw how these relationships developed in the families of my childhood friends. And I can see what the mother's active intervention in her son's life led to. But girls also find themselves in a situation of family pressure. And these are usually girls who have a promising future.
Marina Alekseyeva's short story “A Fantastic Creature” deals with physical abuse of a daughter whom her parents wanted to see as a pianist. But there may be no physical violence, and the child will feel cornered. How many children were forced by their parents to do things they didn't like, to spend time doing things that did not bring them joy and satisfaction. There are so many stories about how children learned to lie and dodge so as not to go to disgraceful classes. The site recently conducted a survey on emotional abuse in the family. You can view the results of this survey in the “Surveys” section. If you have a story to share with us, please send them to the “Your Stories” section. We only publish real stories in this section. They can help people who can't recognize violence when they face it and don't know how to deal with it.
Look at this great painting. Many parents want to see their girls and boys as beautiful as these children and young people on paintings by famous artists. And it seems impossible to blame them for this. And I would regret it. Perhaps they themselves did not have a happy childhood with a piano against the wall or a piano in the middle of the room, an affectionate mother and a caring grandmother, a sweet teacher and home evenings with the obligatory performance of their mother's favorite works. Parents are also victims — victims of their parents or victims of stereotypes.
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