You know what impressed me the most about the book All for One. How to protect your child from bullying at school” by Kristin Oudmeier, a Norwegian psychologist and child mobbing specialist (M. Alpina Publisher, 2016)? What amazed me was not that, like us, the problem of school bullying is often ignored by school administrators and parents who, after having experienced a traumatic experience, do not want their children to be considered “victims” or “aggressors”. I was impressed by the public's attitude towards children's birthdays. I think school parents would agree with me: almost every children's birthday party is overshadowed by thinking about who to invite and who not to invite.
But parents rarely think about how to teach their children to invite children so as not to turn their DR into a holiday for some and a social boycott for others. Christine Oudmeier calls this holiday an “instrument of power” that helps divide children into friends and foes: “The first group includes popular children who are “prestigious” to be friends with, and the second group includes everyone else.”
How do Norwegian kindergartens and schools solve this problem?
“Many Norwegian schools and kindergartens have an unwritten — and sometimes written — rule: if invitations are given outside of school, it is not necessary to invite everyone. This rule is based on both legal and ethical restrictions related to the regulation of privacy by school authorities.”
How does this regulation apply to party invitations? Written invitations are thrown to friends in their backpack or mailbox.
Of course, this “regulation” does not exclude the possibility of children discussing invitations to DR. And probably some of those kids that no one ever invites will find out sooner or later. But such regulations teach children to behave ethically towards those whom they for some reason do not want or cannot consider their friends. Children understand that they must be sensitive about this issue.
It would be ideal to invite the whole class, as these informal meetings often relieve school conflicts. But not everyone can afford it. In addition, as Christine admits, giving the example of her own daughter, parents themselves make this choice more often than children, not advising the child to invite that bully and offender about whom the daughter told so many “terrible” things.
But after talking to her daughter, Christine realized that her daughter was offended by this guy under completely different circumstances and didn't mind calling him to DR: “Thanks to this conversation, my husband and I realized that the only problem was our anger at these children, our feelings that we never understood. In the end, we invited everyone, but we agreed with a couple of other parents to come to the party too and help us resolve conflicts, if any.”
But there were no conflicts at that festival.
Another thing that amazed me about “their customs” was the recommendation not to be sarcastic towards other people in front of children and not to let children make fun of other people, even if there is a reason to do so. After reading this, someone may breathe a sigh of relief: “Oh, these regulated people. Not one step without restrictions.” The regulations differ from the regulations. The rules that adults themselves follow when they are mentioned many times (school and family) eventually become the norm of everyday life. And performing them becomes as easy as washing your hands before eating. Is it possible for us to comply with these regulations? I think that someone is definitely complying with them already. But I suppose we don't have the discipline to stick to the rules all the time. And sarcasm and ridicule are our powerful weapon and our lifeline. Who would refuse to pass this on to their children?
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