In autumn 2014, Norway was shocked by the story of a boy who was mobbed at school and killed himself. This tragic event was widely discussed in print media and social networks not because teenagers in prosperous Norway don't kill themselves. This happens despite the fact that society and the state are actively opposing one of the possible motives for suicide among teenagers — mobbing/bullying. I have already written on our website that schools in Sweden and Norway sign a tripartite agreement at the beginning of each school year, which is signed by a student (even a first-grader!) , parents, and school administration. The purpose of this agreement is to prevent unacceptable and aggressive behavior at school. It warns every student that they have no right to threaten other students with words or deeds, cause physical and psychological harm to classmates, or damage their property. Otherwise, a school mobbing specialist (there are some) and the school principal have the right to register them with the police at the first case of mobbing or bullying, and their parents will be fully responsible for the behavior of the kids. In addition, parents are committed to solving such problems together with school psychologists. However, as we know, even these measures do not always save introverted and finely organized children from emotional abuse by their peers. I must say that in Norway it is not customary to pick up a child from school in case of mobbing/bullying. It is believed that children, both victims of mobbing and mobber, must solve this problem with the help of adults. Mobber should know that he will be under special police control, and if he acts again, he will be expelled from school and his parents will be punished. And a mobber victim should not run away from her psychological problems that have arisen as a result of mobbing without solving them. The fact is that very often children who have been mobbing/bullied feel guilty and begin to hate themselves, not their tormentor. Moreover, there are known cases of the “Stockholm Syndrome” when a child becomes more and more attached to his pursuers, tries to please them, and is ready to withstand all humiliation from mobbers, as he considers himself unworthy of their friendship. And if you don't stop the mobbers in time and help your child understand the causes of the bullying, but pick him up right away from school, then the feeling of guilt and worthlessness will not only not disappear, but may even worsen.
And who knows what's in store for this child at the new school? There is no guarantee that at another school, the guilty child will not be mobbing/bullied without fault. Perhaps his status as a “victim” will be entrenched in adulthood: he will be (or will think that he is) being bullied and persecuted at the institute and in the work team. And his “exit strategy” will be entrenched in his behavior. This is what they think in Norway. And these arguments sound convincing, especially for me, an experienced teacher. I knew students whose parents would transfer from school to school, and in the end, I only calmed down when they were homeschooling their child. These students became “outcasts” and “scapegoats” in their student groups almost from their first days at university. I saw them crying over trifles, asking them to retake the exam from “five” to “five”; I saw them hysterically rushing at their classmates, I saw them go to “academician” and not come back from there; I heard rumors that they left their families too, went to another country, voluntarily passed away...
I remember this humble, excellent girl who loved the medieval epic. She knew more about Scandinavian gods than she did about her classmates, as she felt safe with Odin but not on her course. The girl told me that they didn't understand her at school and forced her to leave. In the summer, after successfully graduating from university and enrolling in a master's degree, she went to the shooting range and shot herself. No one knows what happened or why the Scandinavian god Odin didn't protect her from her herself. Her parents saved her from bullying at school, from “the wrong teachers”, but they didn't save her from themselves. A Norwegian teenager, whose parents did not pick up from school, also failed to cope with his problems. Apparently, they did everything right: they tried to coordinate their actions with psychologists and the school administration, but the child could not stand it and committed suicide. And if the boy were transferred to another school and stayed alive, who knows, maybe in ten years he would go to the shooting range to get rid of the guilt that no one loves him? It seems to me that this unhappy girl and teenager from Norway had something in common: something that is difficult to deal with alone and easier to walk away from, to capitulate than to prove that you're not a scapegoat, a “white crow”, “not a black sheep”, or even to just admit to yourself that you're just Different, not like the others. If only these children could be helped to understand this in time! And if only there was someone who would tell this child in time that he needs to be stronger, kinder, more forgiving than others, because he has some “twist”, “the spark of God”, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a drop of blood at the tip of his hair when he is angry, like the god Odin. It's scary when a child thinks Odin marked him this way, because the name Odin and the word “loneliness” have the same root...
So, when such a child, with whom we didn't talk in time about what is bothering him about himself, has the first problems with communication in the team, he urgently needs to start having a heart-to-heart talk with the child and, honestly telling him about his childhood and teenage concerns and fears, hope that he will recognize himself in you the same way he is today. Maybe we should watch movies with him on this topic (see below). Movie) and discuss. If your child does not get in touch with you, you need to find an adult friend he can trust (coach, teacher, relative, family friend) and, of course, an intelligent child psychologist.
After reading Katya's story on our website, I asked myself: “What would happen if she moved to another school?” I think history might have repeated itself. And if she found someone she could trust and told her about her and advised her to choose a different behavioral strategy, then, you see, the conflict would be over. That's what happened to me when I was in high school. I had a hard time in class until ninth grade, and in ninth grade, under the influence of the advice of a friendly and intelligent person, I changed my attitude towards my classmates and became loved by them.
The main topic of the discussion, which took place on the pages of the Norwegian media, was the act of the parents who did not take the boy out of school. The online community was divided into those who believed that the child should have been transferred to another school right away and those who believed (and here's the attention!) that it is not those who are bullied who should leave school, but those who are bullied. This is a twist! In fact, why should a victim of persecution leave work and school instead of a persecutor? Why should a suffering person endure this additional stress of being transferred to another school or getting fired and looking for a job? If we are talking about bullying, this is a solvable task. One nasty person in a team can be identified and fired, unless, of course, his superiors are interested in him and he is not a “crisis manager”. But how do you get rid of a group of mobbers? And we're back to bullying. I suppose that mobbing is most often initiated by one person — a formal or non-formal “leader” who, through mobbing, strengthens leadership positions: “divides and rules”, keeps people at bay, showing others what will happen to them if they disobey. That's what he should be fired from his job. Left without a leader, a group of mobbers infected with victimization will free themselves from fear and lose the enthusiasm of the hounds who grass the wolves. Until a new leader appears, they will be engaged in intra-group “showdowns” and looking for a leader “from among themselves”. However, firing the instigator of mobbing is more suited to the situation of mobbing in the workplace, but what about mobber children at school?
The discussion about the need to get rid of mobbers at school, which unfolded in the Norwegian media after the tragedy, caused a mixed reaction in society. The fact is that in Scandinavian schools, it is not customary to expel little mobbers or bullers. They are trying to work with them there, realizing that transferring to another school will not solve this child's problem, that his problem may become a problem for society. So what should parents whose child bullies do while surviving from class, or maybe from the world, their classmate or classmate? Transfer him to another school so he can do the same thing there? If the motives for his actions, which are related to his tendency to emotionally and physically abuse his neighbor, are not understood, then no deterrent measures or transfers to correctional classes and special schools will help. What should I do? It's the same as for the parents of an eternal “alien” and “victim” — to save him from loneliness, talk a lot, find an older friend, send him to exercise, and, of course, immediately take him to a psychologist to understand what his problem is. It is best if active behavioral adjustment takes place before puberty begins. This recommendation from psychologists also applies to a child who is a “victim” of mobbing. If a child's mobber or “victim” tendencies are already noticed in adolescence, then it is not too late to quit all your urgent tasks, apologize to him for his “great sitting” at the computer or watching TV, for simple questions and monosyllabic answers and start making friends and talking, talking and talking with him. If you have forgotten how to be friends, ask a smart, kind and strong person who will be interested in saving two souls — yours and your child.
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