A crisis is a chain of internal changes with relatively minor external changes. These crises are accompanied by the acquisition of new character traits, new skills and abilities, and new ideas about the behavioral norm. I watch your children change throughout the year: they drift several times during the school year due to depression and reluctance to study and read towards the emotional uplift and euphoria associated with discovering themselves and their capabilities. At this time, they are extremely susceptible to external assessments and situations that can either capsulate their state of depression and self-doubt, or give them an impetus to move to another level. This is how personality development takes place, which is impossible without an age crisis. It's hard to imagine a more difficult time in terms of emotional stress than childhood and adolescence.
Children are full of the contradictions that such antinomic couples can imagine - although they join a group, they identify themselves through a group, and when they dissolve in a group, they strive to stand out; strive for independence - count on help and support; they are vulnerable - they are capable of cruelty and demonstrative rudeness; they want to be desirable to others - they distrust others; they want to do what adults offer them - they deny any suggestions from adults, as they come from adults; they love their loved ones - in At a certain age, they devalue their relatives and parental authority collapses; reluctance to obey is a desire to be listened to and obeyed. You must admit that it is very difficult to live in a state of such duality. And they live and still manage to enjoy life. If a child calmly goes through their crises, you may notice that their behavior changes dramatically, from joy to tears and back, but there is no one-type scenario that lasts a long time. When there is a deep crisis in which a child needs special attention from adults and even the help of a psychologist, it may look like this:
too long a period of struggle for independence is almost a war with parents; lack of active defense of one's “I” and absolute dependence on parents' opinions; prolonged uniform behavior, regardless of the situation, lack of flexibility and selectivity; frequent outbursts of emotions and tantrums, inability to calmly express your desire and explain your feelings.
This abnormal course of the age crisis can be complicated by external factors, including bullying and violence by peers, teachers, and parents themselves. All this exacerbates the manifestations I mentioned above. Among the complications of the age crisis, I would also mention changes in the child's physical appearance. It can be very difficult for them to worry that they are growing like a reed, or, conversely, growing slowly, worrying about each of their pimples, protruding cheeks, liquid hair, crooked legs. The vast majority of teenagers can't stand themselves. That's why they'd rather wear an old, mice-colored sweatshirt and old sneakers than wear bright, beautiful clothes that will draw attention to them. There is also the opposite trend - they are ready to dye their hair in different colors and wear bright pink hoodies, slapping public taste and school requirements.
The transition from high behavioral activity to complete apathy is most often due to the fact that they begin to see the world anew each time - with different eyes, and familiar things and ideas are destroyed very quickly. And at this point, a teenager needs to understand himself and identify himself. He asks, “Who am I?” , “why am I like this?” And this is where a group comes to his aid. And it is good if it consists of smart and kind children with different talents. And if there is no group, then the child looks for familiar character traits from movie and book characters. In class, I often discuss the type of literary characters with older children, and they torment me with questions about who their characters look like.
When a child is lonely, books in which teenagers find answers to their questions can help him a lot. Admittedly, the child is vulnerable to these changes and, unfortunately, he is often left alone with them. Parents forgot about their feelings at their age just as they thoroughly forgot about their feelings in their mother's womb. They think that their tantrums and rebellion are a sign of bad temper or pampering. But, in fact, parents are most often faced with an age crisis that can go unnoticed by adults. And then the very important points that needed to be talked to the child at this very time will be missed. The child will come to some important conclusions for him or will be helped by those whom parents did not want to see with their children. And every age crisis increases the gap between parents and children. Children often cannot and do not want to ask their parents their questions, as they see their increased anxiety, nervousness, and concern. They don't want to upset their parents, that's why they don't tell them that they are being bullied, why no one wants to be friends with them in class. Children are most often able to predict their parents' reaction to any of their actions and words. That is why children are most often left alone with their experiences, the outward signs of which can be their deviant behavior, confrontation with parents, outbursts of anger, depression, leaving home, and the emergence of all kinds of addictions.
And there is another manifestation of the age crisis: dependence on your parents. Children who show up with their parents anytime and everywhere at the age of 13+ cannot solve anything without them; as a rule, they cannot take responsibility for their decisions and don't even try to answer the question “why am I like this?” They are not prone to self-digging and deep reflections. They become vegetable-like - they are put in a basket and taken out of there without taking into account their will and desires, which are blunted by excessive parental care. This does not mean that they will easily avoid age crises. In this situation, there are at least two outcomes: as an adult, such a child will be deprived of the ability to make decisions and take responsibility for his words and actions, or in adolescence there will be rebellion, sharp emancipation and separation.
During the “Dialogues on Culture” course, I often have to solve more than just educational problems. I am attentive to children's manifestations and pay attention to the changes that are happening to them. And sometimes one direct, face-to-face question is enough for a child of any age to cry and share his concerns. I have to listen to these confessions from time to time, and I try to help with advice or turn to my parents, who most often ask... to change their own behavior and behavior. The child, as a rule, mirrors the emotional state of the parents, but he cannot explain to himself the reason why he should behave this way and not the other way. This transfer to adult situations also exacerbates the age crisis.
For example, I can't understand why the child has changed so much, and then I find the notebook he left in the studio and, among the drawings, I see the note: “I don't want my dad and mom to yell at each other.” The continuation of the fairy tale recorded by A.S. Pushkin in drafts can also tell me about what is happening in the family, about how Kashchei asks his daughter for leniency: he persuades her not to break the needle, and she needs to marry Ivan, whose father actively opposes his wedding. Some of the children furiously and subtly kill Kashchei and happily drink honey beer at the wedding of Kashchei's daughter and Ivan. Someone is trying by all means to keep him alive. Some children do not include their family members when drawing a family coat of arms, and some do not mention one of their parents or their younger or older siblings in it. These are all signs of external crisis and abnormal conditions that exacerbate the age crisis. Parents often do not think about how their behavior, hurtful words, and family relationships affect their children. Children are traumatized by family relationships no less often, and even more often than, by teenage and teacher bullying. Children can be traumatized by the high requirements for order and compliance with the rules that exist in the family. Children whose families have too high demands on them are more likely than others to be apathetic and overdependent on adults. They can learn to lie in a sophisticated way, they learn double standards faster than others, and they can become mobbers in a mobbing situation, as such children have no authority within the family (not to be confused with love!). And it's much easier for me to communicate with children who know what will is, who have been taught to defend their borders, and they are not afraid to break a ban or norm every second. Such children constantly don't look at themselves through someone else's eyes and express their opinions without regard to what I or other children think. These children have more time for self-discovery, creativity, dreams and childhood.
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